I think a little part of my soul just died

Morrissey just performed on Craig Ferguson's show wearing an American Idol t-shirt.

Mark your calendars

I don't care if you love or hate the Red Sox, or if you love or hate Jay Leno (for the record, I love the former, hate the latter) - you really should watch the Tonight Show on Friday, because Manny Ramirez is going to be a guest. No matter where you stand, I think we can all agree that high comedy will be in the offing.

(Also making appearances - Papelbon on Letterman tonight, which should be entertaining, because Papelbon is insane, and Big Papi on Conan Friday.)

UPDATE: Geez, kind of disappointing. Papelbon was good, but not as crazy as he could have been. Papi was okay. But Manny totally did not live up to expectations. For a guy whose every interview is a comedy routine, it had so much potential, and yet fell so flat. I blame Leno - god, he has shitty interviewing skills. Oh well.

A mystery wrapped in a twinkie

I can't remember if I've actually seen Basic Instinct, or just seen/heard so much about it that I think I've seen it, but anyway, everyone knows about the most famous scene, the one with Sharon Stone uncrossing her legs.

So, I'm watching this IFC show on sex scenes and censorship in movies, and they mention Basic Instinct, and of course they show that scene. And what I totally didn't know or remember was that the guy interrogating her in that scene is...Newman from Seinfeld. Seriously. Of course, it was before he was well-known as Newman, but still. I don't know, maybe everyone knew that, but I didn't, and it takes the whole thing to a weird, surreal level. Like, I'm imagining him interrogating her as Newman.

Hello, Sharon...

Some thoughts

Have you ever noticed how common it is in movies and TV shows to have one character make another character dig their own grave, after which the grave-digger is murdered and buried in said grave? First of all, do you think that really happens much? I doubt it. But more importantly, if you were the person made to dig, why would you do it? You know you're going to get killed anyway, so why not just tell the murderer to fuck off? So they'll just kill you sooner. Big deal. And actually, probably preferable, if you ask me. Plus you've made more work for them. I mean, if someone's going to murder you, they might as well have to work for it, right?

*****

It's not a new idea to notice that Corey Dillon looks like Ludacris. But I don't think I've ever seen it pointed out that Rodney Harrison is almost a dead-ringer for LL Cool J. I think it's a fair bet to say the Patriots have cornered the market on rapper look-alikes.

*****

I was poking around some political websites yesterday, and somehow ended up at The Volokh Conspiracy. This is not a blog I have ever read before, so I was surprised to see that someone I went to high school with is one of the contributors there. (I won't name names, the better to keep anyone from finding this post, but it may or may not rhyme with Willya Bowman.) He was in a different grade, so I didn't really know him. But his locker was right next to mine, and despite that fact, I don't think I ever spoke more than two words to him in the (three?) years we overlapped. Because, seriously, dude was weird. The one thing I remember about him was that he used to spread his books and papers all over the floor in front of his (and thus, my) locker and do his homework right there on the floor.

Anyway, it's always strange to see someone you "knew" way back when become, well, I suppose "famous" isn't the right word, but at least marginally prominent, I suppose, if you can call being a law professor and posting at a big-name (it is, right?) blog prominent.

*****

Oh, and Landru's most recent post reminds me that I need to do a whole lot of linkage updating. But I don't feel like doing it now. I know you always appreciate it when I tell you what I didn't do. So, you're welcome.

One of these things is not like the other

So I'm watching The Girls Next Door, which is, as you may or may not know, a reality show on E! about Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends and their life living at the Playboy mansion. Now, normally, I wouldn't have much interest in Playboy, but there is something incredibly fascinating about this show, in that trainwreck sort of way.

Anyway, the episode I saw today had the three girls doing photo shoots for the magazine. One of the girls, the profoundly vapid and stupid Kendra (seriously, I think she is probably the dumbest person I've ever seen on reality TV, and I'm not exaggerating), is apparently a big sports fan. So her photos often have a sports theme.

In this episode, she was posing in front of a bunch of football jerseys that were hung up behind her. There's LaDainian Tomlinson, Terrell Owens, Donovan McNabb, and...Dan Koppen? What?? Sure, he's a great player and all, and he seems like a good guy, but who has heard of him outside of New England? Even in New England, it's not like many people own O-line jerseys (and if they do, I'd suspect they'd be Matt Light). You can't even buy them off the rack - you'd have to special order them.

Weird.

Ad Nauseam

Reason number 8,459,362 why I hate American Idol: It is repsonsible for foisting upon the world that asshole in those infernal Ford commercials that seem to be in permanent rotation on EVERY fucking show I watch. Seriously, that guy is haunting my nightmares.

And can someone explain to me these Pepsi ads with Jay Mohr and Jackie Chan? I guess the whole Coke-acting-as-stunt-double for Pepsi is supposed to imply...what? That Pepsi is just too cool, or too valuable, or...something? But what it says to me is that Coke is the soda for tough guys, and Pepsi is for wimps. Doesn't seem like the best marketing strategy to me, but what do I know.

Four Things

So Dweeze has tagged me for this "Four Things" meme, and it is a well-known fact that I do whatever Dweeze tells me to do. So. Four things.

Four jobs I've had:

1. Materials science lab gopher.
2. Office gopher.
3. Undergraduate research assistant.
4. Undergraduate teaching assistant.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

Not necessarily the greatest movies of all time, but that's a different category.

1. Lone Star. This is the movie Chris Cooper should have won an Academy Award for, not Adaptation.

2. Mulholland Dr.

3. Titanic. Sorry, I know there's no excuse for this one. Believe me, it's not the love story (that's the worst part), because I mostly hate sappy, sentimental movies. But the fact is, I love the meticulous period detail (especially the costumes), and, more importantly, it's a maybe-not-so-well-known fact that I'm a sucker for large-scale transportation disaster porn.

4. Full Frontal.

Four places I've lived:

(Sorry, this one's not for bloggish consumption.)

Four TV shows I love:

1. Alias.

2. The Amazing Race.

3. The Office.

4. Eh, can't really come up with a fourth one. There are a bunch of other shows I watch regularly, but I can't say I "love" any of them (and since I still don't have cable, I'm limited to the meager offerings of broadcast teevee).

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest:

1. American Idol. Seriously, there are no words adequate to express how much I loathe this show.

2. Desperate Housewives. Although I probably wouldn't hate it as much if it just lost the awful theme music and the irritating Sue-Ellen Mischke narration. (Even then, it would still be immensely boring, so I still woudn't watch it anyway.)

3. The Apprentice. I actually forced myself to watch the last few episodes of this show last season, because my Dad knows the guy who ended up winning, but man, it was difficult. What a stupid show.

4. CSI, in any and all incarnations.

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:

Ugh, I hate this question. Here's the thing about me - I don't really read a lot of books. Which I know makes me sound really pathetic and illiterate. I do own a lot of books - I have a bad habit of buying them and then...not reading them. I don't know why. I think it has to do with the fact that I have a really short attention span. Anyway, it makes this question hard to answer because anything I say is going to sound really lame. But whatever, here you go:

1. Fatherland, by Robert Harris.

2. The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood.

3. Nicholas and Alexandra, by Robert Massie.

4. Fatal Vision, by Joe McGinniss.

Four places I've vacationed:

1. France.

2. Disney World.

3. Park City, Utah.

4. Seattle.

Four of my favorite dishes:

Depends whether you're talking generally, or from a specific source. Because there's a Malaysian resaurant here that has amazing mango chicken, but I don't know that I'd call it my favorite except from that one place. But anyway, whatever.

1. Kimbap (Korean sushi rolls containing beef, egg, spinach, carrot, and pickled radish).

2. Chicken Pho (Vietnamese noodle soup).

3. My Mom's barley-beef soup.

4. Aloo Chole (Indian chickpea and potato curry).

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Deadspin.

2. Defamer.

3. Damn Hell Ass Kings.

4. And of course, Circle Of.

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Dhoni Mighili (Maldives). It is my life's goal to marry a wealthy man solely so I can go on vacation there.

2. New York City.

3. L.A.

4. France.

Four bloggers I am tagging:

Well, I don't really like to do that, but anyone who wants to is free to take it (though I seriously doubt my blog is the first place you've seen this meme, so I assume anyone who's wanted to do it has already done so).

Depressing blast from the past

So I watched Empire Falls this weekend. And in one scene, there's a featured extra played by none other than Zoe Zanidakis (who? Exactly).

I'm not sure which was sadder: the fact that she clearly thought being an extra in an HBO miniseries made her a big-time movie star, as evidenced by all the mugging for the camera she was doing, or the fact that I recognized her instantly, without knowing beforehand that she'd be there.

My cat has dreadlocks

No really, he does. Although that may be just a polite way of saying he has, um, a grooming problem. I really don't know what's brought this on. I know long-haired cats often have issues with their fur, but I've had him for over five years, and only once in that time can I ever remember noticing any mats. At first I thought maybe he'd somehow managed to knock something sticky on himself, but I can't find anything spilled anywhere, so I don't think that's it.

Brushing isn't helping, at least not after the fact. So I tried to cut the mats off with scissors, but I only managed to get a few of them before he decided he'd rather claw my face off instead. He quickly learned to disappear as soon as the scissors appeared. But seriously, what the fuck, cat? It's just fur, for god's sake. He reacted like I was trying to cut off his leg or something. This, from the same cat who allows me to regularly clip his claws without registering anything more than mild annoyance.

Whatever.

(See, Dweeze, when you demand that I write more, this is what you get. A story about my cat. Be careful what you wish for, is what they always say, right? And I don't know why Gothmog wants to live vicariously through me. Dood. My life is more boring than just about anything. I'm not joking.)

But anyway, not that this is much of an excuse for going as long as I did without posting, but I did at least spend a substantial part of that time devoting my creative energies to a written piece at...some other site that I decline to name because I have this stupid neurotic obsession with keeping my identities in different spheres of the world and the internet separate, even though everyone knows and no one really cares and it's not like it's a big state secret or anything. Yeah.

So. I've been watching some TV lately. That's exciting, right? Right? Actually, I've been watching less now that baseball is over. What's that you say, it's not over yet? Okay, fine, it's over for my team. But as I've mentioned many, many times before, I'm quite provincial, and I don't have much of an interest in watching once my team is out. Especially not if it means having to subject myself to more of the wretched Fox coverage and the rage-inducing play-by-play stylings of Buck and McCarver.

One thing I have been watching, among other things, is Lost. Apparently a lot of people really, really like Lost. And okay, it's a pretty good show, and I've watched it from the beginning, so I'm not saying it's bad or anything. But I have some complaints.

First of all, I feel like they pulled a bait-and-switch. The show was originally billed as a plane-crash-on-a-deserted-island-castaway-type show. And then they go and pull all this sci-fi shit on us. As I may have stated before, I hate science fiction. I can tolerate a little bit if the show is good enough and it doesn't overwhelm things (see: Alias), but as a general rule, I prefer my entertainment science fiction-free. I know that without all the supernatural stuff, there'd be no show, because there's only so much people stranded on an island can do, but still, I'm just saying.

I hate the fact that there's a character named Charlie and it's not Matthew Fox. It's confusing to me. He will always be Charlie Salinger to me (oh yes, I just admitted to watching Party of Five. Wanna make something of it?), so it bugs me when someone says "Charlie" and they're not talking about him.

They're on a flight from Australia to the U.S. But there's only one Australian person on the plane? (Or, if you want to quibble, only one Australian person among all the survivors?) Yeah, that makes sense.

And here is my biggest problem: haven't any of these people ever read the book Alive? And no, I'm not suggesting that Lost needs an infusion of cannibalism. While that might certainly be dramatic, I'm not sure ABC would go for it. What I am saying is why don't these people get off their asses and explore the fuck out of every inch of that island? If you remember the story in Alive, after many weeks (months? I can't remember), they finally realized no one was ever going to rescue them, and a few of them set off to find help, and they found civilization not very far away. The whole time they were eating their friends, they could have been rescued if they'd just gone looking sooner.

So why haven't the characters on Lost devoted any real energy towards looking for help or civilization or something, anything? Sure, there have been bits and pieces here and there, but nothing major. Obviously the island is worth exploring because they keep discovering things like hatches and crazy French women and boats full of dynamite and planes full of heroin. How do they really know what really is or isn't on the island, or if it's even really an island, if they don't go poking around in some sort of organized fashion?

Or at least, why don't the writers pay the idea some basic lip service, and at least have the characters sit around and discuss it, just so they can say why it's not possible, or at the very least, not desirable. (I am willing to grant that they may have done this at some point, because I don't tend to pay attention to things very closely, since I rarely watch TV without also doing something else at the same time, but even if they did, they still haven't taken the idea seriously at all.)

I just don't get it. If I'm stranded on an island, the first thing I'm doing is wandering around as much as is physically possible to see what I've got there. I can't tell you how much this irritates me.

Finally, does anyone else besides me think that the father from the Schroeder family on The Amazing Race looks just like Jim Mora, Jr.?

Unbelievable!

I fell asleep while reading my email and watching the Pats-Raiders game last night, and I dreamed that Al Michaels was sending me spam.

Sites of note and other random stuff

Bitch Ph.D. put up a new link to a site that's a resource for emergency contraception. If you ever find yourself, or someone you care about, in the position to need it, the site has a directory of medical providers where you can get it. Too bad you can't get it over the counter, thanks to this guy. Anyway, I'm going to add it my sidebar as well.

Getting less serious, I accidentally typed in www.fungo.com instead of www.fungo.blogspot.com, and it leads to a Japanese restaurant that appears to specialize in sandwiches. I think I need to go to this restaurant if I ever go to Japan.

ETA: A few other things not really deserving their own posts:

This is just gross. How would you like to be that fisherman who found those thousands of used condoms floating in the lake? And also, who the hell is flushing their condoms down the toilet in the first place?

NBC has apparently decided that Law & Order has reached critical mass at three shows, as they are cancelling the newest permutation, "Trial By Jury." Also cancelled: a whole bunch of other shows I also don't watch.

New for next year:

"My Name is Earl," featuring Jason Lee ("Chasing Amy") as a downtrodden lottery winner. This could be good, as Jason Lee kind of rules.

Martha Stewart's Apprentice knockoff. Hmmm. No, I don't think I'll be watching that.

Gospel singer Amy Grant stars in "Three Wishes," a reality show where she travels across the country trying to transform lives by paying medical bills, making dreams come true and the like. Wow, I think they may have found a show I want to watch even less than American Idol.

"E-Ring," a Jerry Bruckheimer production with Dennis Hopper and Benjamin Bratt, about life in the Pentagon. Could be good, could be bad. Dennis Hopper is cool in a creepy way, and Benjamin Bratt is hot. But the Pentagon is boring. So we'll have to see.

"Fathom," about a creepy new form of sea life. No, no, no.

And...

"Inconceivable," a medical show set in a fertility clinic. I'm sorry, but are they kidding with this one? The article says it's a drama, but the title is rather ridiculous, because no one will be able to say it without talking like Vizzini from The Princess Bride, and it'd be kind of hard to take the show seriously. Also, that title is just a little too precious, I think. Beyond that, I'm not sure how this show would work - either it will be a cloying, inspirational show (in which case I'll want to watch it about as much as the Amy Grant show), or it will go in the other direction and enrage the James Dobson types (who will get the vapors over the fact that all those poor little embryos might get thrown away), and god, we will never hear the end of it.

Some observations...

...made while putting off the things I am supposed to be doing, and also, maybe I might be back to blogging on my sort-of-regular-schedule-even-
though-it-was-never-really-that-regular-in-the-first-place, but I'm still not guaranteeing anything

I watched this new show last night called Grey's Anatomy. I'm not sure the world really needs another show about doctors, but whatever. I haven't decided if it's any good or not yet, but I'll at least commit saying it isn't terrible, although the woman playing the sort-of main character is a really bad actress. However, Patrick Dempsey is cute, so that might balance things out.

Anyway, here's a sign that perhaps I am having trouble separating reality from fiction. There's this kind-of hard-assed resident on the show, and I thought she looked really familiar, and I realized that she played Army Private Johnson in the movie Lone Star, in which her criminal ex-boyfriend shot her current boyfriend right in front of her in the middle of a crowded bar, and then later she got caught doing drugs. So I'm watching her play a doctor on Grey's Anatomy, and I'm thinking, good for her! She really turned her life around.

Yeah, I know, I have issues.

In other news, you can tell procrastination is at its worst by the fact that I am now sporting nail polish on both my fingers and my toes. If you know me at all, you know I hate putting nail polish on because I am possibly the least coordinated person on the planet, and I just end up looking like that woman in Airplane, except the polish is all over my fingers instead of my face. Then I have to spend hours carfully using nail polish remover to get it all off, and I invariably smudge at least one or more nails while doing that, and then I have to start all over again. I think you can see why it's not something I do on a regular basis. Also, I'm kind of clumsy with my fingers, so I usually chip it within a day of putting it on, so it just isn't worth it. (And in case you are wondering, the cheap part of me simply cannot bear to pay someone to give me a manicure.) So yeah, despite all that, I painted all my nails, so you can tell I really didn't want to confront my responsibilites.

ETA: I was thinking about this the other day, and was going to say something about it, but I forgot when I first wrote this post (I guess I could make a new post, but I don't feel like it, and plus, I was already talking about TV up there, so it seems like it fits here).

Anyway, needless to say, I will not be watching this new show Revelations. But I just wanted to mention how hilarious it is that Fred "touch my balls and my ass" Durst is a member of the cast. It's kind of like if they cast Paris Hilton to play a nun. Unless of course, he's playing the devil or something. (His character's name is Ogden. I don't know the bible very well - is that a bad guy?) Still, they couldn't have found anyone else? Because, ew.

Ugrh

I hate falling asleep when I don't mean to. Last night, I feel asleep watching TV. At first, I thought I had only missed ER, but then this morning I realized I had also missed The Office. Fell asleep a few minutes past 9, woke up two hours later. I really wanted to watch The Office, too. The commercials seemed funny, and I read a review that said it was at least better than all the other sitcoms on TV right now (not a ringing endorsement, but still promising). I wasn't sure if the show would be any good, but I at least wanted to give it a shot. Normally I wouldn't care that I missed ER - it's sucked for years, but I still keep watching it out of habit. But yesterday? Sharif Atkins came back. He was one of the few good reasons to watch. And apparently he did the deed with Neela, which means he probably took his shirt off, which...anyway.

I really do have a problem with this falling alseep thing. It happens in cars a lot. I've missed my stop on the subway because I fell asleep. I fall asleep watching TV and movies all the time. It happened when I watched High Fidelity. It's happened twice with the Usual Suspects - I still have never seen it in its entirety. The worst was The Crying Game, when I fell asleep IN THE THEATER. Know when I woke up? Right after The Big Reveal, because of all the noise from the crowd. We had this Japanese guy with us who didn't speak very much English, and after the movie, he was all, can someone please explain that movie to me? And I was all, um, I fell asleep. And this other guy was like, dude, just see it with subtitles when you go back to Japan.

Speaking of movies, I am thinking of temporarily quitting Netflix. This pains me so, because I love seeing the red envelopes in the mailbox. But the next four months of my life are going to be kind of hellishly busy, and I know I can't afford to be watching movies. So sad. Goodbye, movies.

Sunday night brain detritus

It's true what the Republicans say. Bill Clinton is such an awful guy. What do you want to bet that, under the same circumstances, George W. would have made Dad sleep on the floor?

If there's anything that would make me want to jam sharp objects in my eyes, repeatedly, it's this new Gap commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker singing "I Enjoy Being A Girl." On the TV station serving my personal Hell, it will definitely be part of the advertising portfolio.

Speaking of commercials, it has to be a really tough dilemma to be an aspiring actress, and you get your big break with a national commercial that will get played endlessly on TV, and then you find out that it's for prescription herpes medication. On the one hand, this is all you've ever wanted, your dream. You just know you have what it takes to be star, if only someone will give you a chance. But on the other hand, you will probably have to spend the rest of your life explaining to every single guy you date that, no, you DON'T actually have herpes, IT WAS JUST A COMMERCIAL.

Know how everyone has things they don't like to talk about? I'm not talking about painful or uncomfortable things, but things that are so thoroughly, excruciatingly uninteresting that talking about them makes you want to, well, jam sharp objects in your eyes (not unlike certain subject matter above - sorry, it's late - I'm not feeling especially creative at the moment). Know what is the best ever? When you get asked about said excruciatingly uninteresting things about EIGHTY TIMES in the space of two hours.

Purchased today, among other things: a "personal watermelon." I'll let you decide if that's code for something or not.

Oscars Post-Mortem

Okay, so as promised, here are my thoughts on the show last night: Eh.

Oh, you want more than that? Fine.

Seriously, it was boring, overall. Like I said, I hadn't seen most of the movies that were nominated, so I didn't have much invested in the awards themselves. Given that, I'm happy Million Dollar Baby won big, because if nothing else, it will torque the right-wing religious nuts, and that is always a good thing. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you either will have to see the movie, or read a review that spoils it, because I'm not going to do that here.) Still, I doubt I'll ever have much desire to see it myself, because I really, really hate boxing. And yes, I know that's not what it's really about, but I don't care. It's about boxing. And I hate boxing (why is a story for another time).

I enjoyed Chris Rock's opening monologue, although I take issue with his dissing of Jude Law, because Jude is so very, very pretty. Please leave the pretty man alone. Anyway, I don't usually watch the Oscars for the host. To me, Oscars hosts are like film editors and offensive linemen - you should only notice them if they screw up. If you don't notice them, it means they did their job. I think Chris Rock did a fine job.

I hated the new thing where they gave some awards in the audience, and for others, had all the nominees up on stage. Did it really save so much time that it was worth making the "minor" nominees suffer such indignity? There is so much other filler they could have cut out. Or god forbid they should just start the telecast an hour or two earlier, so it doesn't end so late on the East Coast.

Definitely had way too much Beyoncé. I even had a minor medical emergency when my ears started bleeding after hearing her sing in French. So, so wrong.

Unfortunately, I really didn't get to do much of what I like best, which is looking at the outfits. With no cable, I couldn't watch any pre-show coverage, and the bad reception really limited how well I could see the gowns. From what I could see, I absolutely hated Hillary Swank's dress. It looked like it was about to choke her. And I really didn't get Renée Zellweger's dress - she couldn't even walk in it. I was cringing as she tried to walk across the stage. In general, I really hate the "mermaid" style that is obviously so popular now. And her hair - ick. She looks awful with dark hair. As I've said before, I'm not opposed to hair coloring on principle, but it has to look natural. Hers did not. Nor did Scarlett Johansson's or Kirsten Dunst's - both of them were way over-bleached (although Kirsten's almost looked like a wig, which is even worse).

I don't know, that's about it, I guess. I think I've already forgotten 80% of what I was thinking of commenting on. But hey, you get what you pay for here.

Liveblogging...Eh, maybe not

So when I made the big announcement in my last post, I didn't know at the time that they were on ABC. See, I no longer have cable, and my ABC reception sucks. And I think we all know that the real reason I watch the Oscars is to see the outfits. Do you think I really care about the awards? Hell no. I think the only movie I've even seen that's nominated for any of the major awards is Hotel Rwanda. So anyway, the crappy reception will really cut into my ability to see just how ugly the dresses are, and that kind of defeats the purpose of the liveblogging now, doesn't it? Maybe I'll just write something tomorrow, after it's all over. Meh. Sorry for taunting you like that. I know how disappointed you must be.

...Just remembered - I have also seen Sideways. And I'll just say now that it's absolutely tragic that it was nomiated for Best Picture and Hotel Rwanda was not (since I have seen both, I can at least compare them to each other). Hotel Rwanda was amazing, and I want to marry Don Cheadle. Sideways? Eh. It was funny, in a slapsticky kind of way, but nowhere near the level of quality I expect from a Best Picture nominee. I really couldn't stand either of the two main characters, and I'm not into wine, so I couldn't appreciate the wine-porn aspect. Don better win for Best Actor, or I will not be happy. I mean, have you seen some of his other movies, like Traffic or Devil in a Blue Dress? That is a man who can act like nobody's business, people.

It's Oscar time!

In what is now becoming an annual tradition (mostly because I have no imagination, because I have no life, and because I will use any excuse to not do actual work), I will be liveblogging the Oscars telecast. If you are a faithful reader of this blog, you may notice that this is the first year I have actually used the word "liveblogging." That's right, I was liveblogging before there was liveblogging, bitches. Or, at least before I knew what it was called. Whatever.

Disclaimer No. 1: As in years past, I will likely be doing my laundry at the same time I am watching. Since the laundry room is a non-trivial distance from my apartment, this means I will likely be away from the TV for substantial portions of the telecast. With my luck, all the interesting things will happen while I'm not watching. Anyway, please, no angry letters if I miss something.

Disclaimer No. 2: What I write may not be very good. If you're looking for Oscars liveblogging that is actually funny and entertaining, you should probably read the Defamer. If you're looking for the best in Oscars outfit mocking, you should probably read what the Fug Girls have to say. I'm just saying, if my accounts of the evening do not live up to your expectations, don't say I didn't warn you.

Long Time, No See, Eh?

I just realized that it's now been over a year since I started this blog. I'm a little sad that I haven't had more time to write in it. Well, like I've probably said before, it's not necessarily a lack of time, but a lack of mental energy. Life has been kicking my ass for a while now, and my brain has been rebelling violently at the the slightest suggestion that it should do any extra work.

Anyway, as much as I keep trying to tell myself that I don't have time to be sitting around watching the Oscars, I just can't deny my desperate need to watch pretty people in fancy dresses. Nevermind that I don't even think I've seen any of the movies in the major categories.

Anyway, like I did last year, I'll make comments when and if I feel like it, updating this post as the night goes on, subject to the fact that I also need to do laundry (at the very least, if I can't have expensive clothes like the stars, I should make sure my ratty garments are still clean).

...I still don't get why so many actresses always wear gowns that don't fit. Don't they get them custom-fitted? Don't people like Scarlett Johansson know that when you wear tight satin, it will show lumps and bumps on even the most emaciated person? And what is with her hair? She looks like she bought a bottle of the cheapest bleach and colored it at home herself. It looks like it's pasted on her head, rather than growing there naturally. I'm not opposed to hair-coloring on principle, but for the love of all that is good and holy, if you can afford to pay someone to do it, it damn well better look good. Sheesh.

...This Billy Bush thing at the beginning, where he's going around talking to people inside the hall before the show starts, is totally obnoxious. I can't believe he actually made Keisha Castle-Hughes leave her seat to go meet Johnny Depp. What an ass.

...I had no idea Sophia Coppola was the first American woman ever nominated for best director. That's pretty amazing - all these years and that's never happened before? Well, I kind of hope she wins just because of that (and I can say that because I haven't seen any of the nominated directors' movies, so I have nothing to judge by other than the fact that it would be cool for her to win).

...LOVE Catherine Zeta-Jones's red dress. If she's not the most beautiful woman on the planet, I don't know who is.

...I love Tim Robbins. His Oscar is just one more reason why I still really want to see Mystic River. Although I'm still peeved that they didn't pick me to be an extra.

...Billy Cristal just ripped on George W. Bush going AWOL. How can you not love that? I really hope there's more where that came from.

...And if any actresses need a lesson on how to wear satin and make it look good, I present Angelina Jolie.

...More hair coloring problems. Julia Roberts looks like she hasn't touched up her roots in a couple of months. And her hairstyle - there's something not right about it. She looks just a little too much like Sarah Jessica Parker (and don't even get me started on her - I am still at a complete loss as to why she's a style icon, given that I've never seen her look anything other than horrible).

...Oprah, you usually always look classy, and I like the color on you, but really, I don't care who you are - no one should be wearing a giant bow on their ass, under any circumstances.

...Why do actresses like Naomi Watts continue to wear dresses so close to their skin colors? I'm sure it looks great in person, but it looks really bad on TV. And I know I said the same thing last year, but it needs to be repeated until it stops happening. It really does. Also, Naomi? That dress needs a necklace. (Okay, so I guess it's too late for this year, but if you need some help next year, you know where to find me.)

...So they had the tribute thing for all the people who died, and they included Leni Riefenstahl, which, first of all, doesn't seem quite right to me. But then they said she was merely a "documentary filmmaker" - or something like that (I may have gotten the wording a little off). I guess the fact that she was a Nazi propagandist didn't warrant a mention. Very, very strage.

...Pierce, baby, you know I'd find you sexy no matter what you did, but could you have maybe shaved? I mean, it's not like this is a televised formal event or anything.

...Uma, if you want to make Ethan regret cheating on you, wearing a dress that looks like a big wad of exploded tissue paper is not the way to do it.

...As much as I do love Tim Robbins, I don't like the black tux/black shirt/black tie look. A little contrast would be nice. Also, Susan Sarandon, you look stunning for your age, but that low dress just makes you look a little too saggy. Also, what's with the one-side-off-the-shoulder thing? It just looks like one side of the dress fell off (Charlize Theron had something similar at the Golden Globes, and I didn't like it then, either). Actually, it kind of looks like the whole dress is about to tall off.

...And hey, Sophia Coppola just won for best director. Good for her. Maybe one day I'll actually see that movie she directed....Oh wait, nevermind, it was for the screenplay. Peter Jackson just won best director. Blech. I'm so sick of this Lord of the Rings movie. Didn't see it, don't want to see it, wish some other movies would win instead.

...I thought there was something funny about Jamie Lee Curtis, and now I know what it is (I stole this from somewhere else - it's not an original thought). She looks like Tim Robbins in drag. She really does.

...I don't like Nicole Kidman's dress. Actually, it'd be okay if the top didn't turn her boobs into a giant shelf. Also, Nicole, have a sandwich once in a while.

...Blech again. I'm not even going to acknowlege the best picture, it annoys me so much.

Well, that was fun, I suppose. Actually, not it wasn't, it was pretty boring. I suppose if I'd actually seen any of the movies, maybe it would have been more interesting. There were some bad dresses, but nothing really, really hideous. There were a few political comments, but not enough for my tastes. I really wanted Bush to get slammed hard. Oh well. Time to go to bed...

Magazine Report

I read a lot of magazines, mostly because reading big, unwieldy newspapers on crowded subways is very difficult, and I don't like lugging around heavy, bulky books.

One of the magazines I read is Entertainment Weekly, although it's mostly out of habit. It's kind of sucked the last few years, and I don't tend to agree with its reviews, but I just can't seem to get rid of my subscription.

The most recent issue featured the Top 50 Cult Movies, and I really would like to know what kind of crack they were smoking when the put this list together. I wouldn't have expected myself to have seen most of these movies, but I would think that I would have at least heard of most of them. For instance, I've never seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show or This is Spinal Tap, but I have heard of them, and I am well aware they are so-called "cult" movies.

What bugs the hell out of me is that the list contained a whole slew of movies I've never heard of at all, and yet somehow managed to leave off The Holy Grail. Are you kidding me? That's a cult film if there ever was one. Even I quote lines from it, and I really tend to look down on that sort of thing.

I know that anytime someone publishes a list of the Best or Worst Anything, there will always be people who will argue over whatever was left off. It's impossible to makes lists like this that everyone will agree with. There are simply too many people with too many opinions, and you'll never be able to satisfy everyone. But COME ON. This is a no-brainer.

Furthermore, there are movies on this list that are simply not what I would consider cult movies. The Shawshank Redemption? Great film? Yes. Cult movie? Not according to any definition of "cult movie" I've ever heard. I don't know, maybe I'm talking shit about a subject I really know nothing about, but this really makes no sense to me. Perhaps there is some parallel universe where The Shawshank Redemption is a cult movie and The Holy Grail is not, but in this one, that is just not right.

*****

I also read Newsweek. In the last issue, there was this long article on American Idol, and as I was furiously turning the pages as quickly as I could, in order to prevent anything relating to that dreck-laden-sorry-excuse-for-a-reality-show-whose-popularity-I-will-never-ever-understand from accidentally getting into my brain, I happened to notice a little chart listing a bunch of actual rejected reality show pitches.

Most of them were well deserving of their rejected status, but not this one: "Pimp House", where six real-live pimps live together in a house. No challenges, no voting. They just live in the house, and they pimp.

I would so totally watch that show. A show about pimps? Seriously? That's fucking genius.

*****

Oh, and um, still working on the trip report. It's going to be funny and witty and everything, I promise.

A recipe for the funny

1. Put this lady on Late Night With Conan O'Brien.

2. Seat her next to manly-men Tom Selleck and a seven-foot/five-hundred-pound wrestler.

3. Have her demonstrate her collection of toys.

I saw this exact scenario last night. I was in tears.