Ad Nauseam

Reason number 8,459,362 why I hate American Idol: It is repsonsible for foisting upon the world that asshole in those infernal Ford commercials that seem to be in permanent rotation on EVERY fucking show I watch. Seriously, that guy is haunting my nightmares.

And can someone explain to me these Pepsi ads with Jay Mohr and Jackie Chan? I guess the whole Coke-acting-as-stunt-double for Pepsi is supposed to imply...what? That Pepsi is just too cool, or too valuable, or...something? But what it says to me is that Coke is the soda for tough guys, and Pepsi is for wimps. Doesn't seem like the best marketing strategy to me, but what do I know.

Four Things

So Dweeze has tagged me for this "Four Things" meme, and it is a well-known fact that I do whatever Dweeze tells me to do. So. Four things.

Four jobs I've had:

1. Materials science lab gopher.
2. Office gopher.
3. Undergraduate research assistant.
4. Undergraduate teaching assistant.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

Not necessarily the greatest movies of all time, but that's a different category.

1. Lone Star. This is the movie Chris Cooper should have won an Academy Award for, not Adaptation.

2. Mulholland Dr.

3. Titanic. Sorry, I know there's no excuse for this one. Believe me, it's not the love story (that's the worst part), because I mostly hate sappy, sentimental movies. But the fact is, I love the meticulous period detail (especially the costumes), and, more importantly, it's a maybe-not-so-well-known fact that I'm a sucker for large-scale transportation disaster porn.

4. Full Frontal.

Four places I've lived:

(Sorry, this one's not for bloggish consumption.)

Four TV shows I love:

1. Alias.

2. The Amazing Race.

3. The Office.

4. Eh, can't really come up with a fourth one. There are a bunch of other shows I watch regularly, but I can't say I "love" any of them (and since I still don't have cable, I'm limited to the meager offerings of broadcast teevee).

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest:

1. American Idol. Seriously, there are no words adequate to express how much I loathe this show.

2. Desperate Housewives. Although I probably wouldn't hate it as much if it just lost the awful theme music and the irritating Sue-Ellen Mischke narration. (Even then, it would still be immensely boring, so I still woudn't watch it anyway.)

3. The Apprentice. I actually forced myself to watch the last few episodes of this show last season, because my Dad knows the guy who ended up winning, but man, it was difficult. What a stupid show.

4. CSI, in any and all incarnations.

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:

Ugh, I hate this question. Here's the thing about me - I don't really read a lot of books. Which I know makes me sound really pathetic and illiterate. I do own a lot of books - I have a bad habit of buying them and then...not reading them. I don't know why. I think it has to do with the fact that I have a really short attention span. Anyway, it makes this question hard to answer because anything I say is going to sound really lame. But whatever, here you go:

1. Fatherland, by Robert Harris.

2. The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood.

3. Nicholas and Alexandra, by Robert Massie.

4. Fatal Vision, by Joe McGinniss.

Four places I've vacationed:

1. France.

2. Disney World.

3. Park City, Utah.

4. Seattle.

Four of my favorite dishes:

Depends whether you're talking generally, or from a specific source. Because there's a Malaysian resaurant here that has amazing mango chicken, but I don't know that I'd call it my favorite except from that one place. But anyway, whatever.

1. Kimbap (Korean sushi rolls containing beef, egg, spinach, carrot, and pickled radish).

2. Chicken Pho (Vietnamese noodle soup).

3. My Mom's barley-beef soup.

4. Aloo Chole (Indian chickpea and potato curry).

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Deadspin.

2. Defamer.

3. Damn Hell Ass Kings.

4. And of course, Circle Of.

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Dhoni Mighili (Maldives). It is my life's goal to marry a wealthy man solely so I can go on vacation there.

2. New York City.

3. L.A.

4. France.

Four bloggers I am tagging:

Well, I don't really like to do that, but anyone who wants to is free to take it (though I seriously doubt my blog is the first place you've seen this meme, so I assume anyone who's wanted to do it has already done so).

BANNED

Recently, we learned about people I don't like. Now we move on to things. Disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive. Please do not assume that just because your favorite hate-object does not appear on this list, that I don't hate it as well. The following things, if I had to power to do so, would be BANNED:

Stargazer lilies.

Dasani "water," otherwise known as "swill."

Country music.

Red onions.

Velour.

Calling all soda "Coke." I'm sorry, but this is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard. It's also trademark infringement, which I am legally bound to be offended by (and nevermind that I am not using tradmark symbols here. I don't know how to make them in HTML. Yeah, that's what it is. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am too lazy to find out, or that I don't actually really care. Nothing at all). Note: since I know I have several midwestern readers, I will grudgingly give "pop" a pass, but DON'T abuse the privilege, or I will reconsider faster than you can say "east coast soda snob."

Ham.

The word "panties." (Ew, just typing it makes me cringe.)

Tofu.

Mermaid-style dresses.

The "boop-boop" sound Tivo makes.

The smell emanating from the Nut-Roasters carts near my office.

DVDs that won't let you fast-forward through the previews.

All the lunch places near my office. There are about eight-hundred, and nearly all of them suck, and the ones that don't always have two-hour lines.

Computers manufactured by companies not named Apple.

Pens with point sizes larger than fine.

8-oz. coffee mugs (only seen in my office). Seriously, WTF? Who only drinks 8 ounces of coffee at a time?

The phone calls I get from my credit card company, every single month, asking me if I want to sign up for their payment protection plan, or whatever it's called, which is some sort of extortion-style insurance plan that will let you not pay your bill if you ever can't. Listen up, here, Chase. I love my credit card. And I love the fact that you pay me actual cash money to use it. Know how it is that you pay me to use it? Because I PAY MY BALANCE every single month. I haven't carried a balance in five years, and that was only because I moved to a new apartment and started a new job, so I wasn't getting paid for a few extra weeks, and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for said new job, all at the same time. And then I only did it for a few months. Get it? I don't need no payment protection plan. I will never need it. And I tell you this EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU CALL. And yet, you still keep calling, month after month, because you're allowed to do it, because I'm already a customer.

Ugg boots.

Scented laundry detergent.

Snow. For the love of god, please make it stop.

People Who Need To Go Away

Lindsay Lohan

George W. Bush

The creepy guy who works at the convenience store in my neighborhood

People who don't look where they're going

Anyone and everyone associated with American Idol

Scarlett Johansson

George Steinbrenner

Lawrence Summers

The Osbournes

The screechingly loud woman in my office who has a giant mullet

James Dobson

The Desperate Housewives

Jared

Sarah Jessica Parker

The people who agressively shove The Metro in my face when I get off the subway

Mel Gibson

Mischa Barton

The Verizon Wireless guy

Joe Buck

The woman in my office who really won't go away unless you explicitly tell her to

Random football observations

As much as I hate the Steelers, for my money, they have the best uniforms in football.

And although it makes me feel a little dirty admitting this, I kind of love the "J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!" cheer.

Magazine Report

I read a lot of magazines, mostly because reading big, unwieldy newspapers on crowded subways is very difficult, and I don't like lugging around heavy, bulky books.

One of the magazines I read is Entertainment Weekly, although it's mostly out of habit. It's kind of sucked the last few years, and I don't tend to agree with its reviews, but I just can't seem to get rid of my subscription.

The most recent issue featured the Top 50 Cult Movies, and I really would like to know what kind of crack they were smoking when the put this list together. I wouldn't have expected myself to have seen most of these movies, but I would think that I would have at least heard of most of them. For instance, I've never seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show or This is Spinal Tap, but I have heard of them, and I am well aware they are so-called "cult" movies.

What bugs the hell out of me is that the list contained a whole slew of movies I've never heard of at all, and yet somehow managed to leave off The Holy Grail. Are you kidding me? That's a cult film if there ever was one. Even I quote lines from it, and I really tend to look down on that sort of thing.

I know that anytime someone publishes a list of the Best or Worst Anything, there will always be people who will argue over whatever was left off. It's impossible to makes lists like this that everyone will agree with. There are simply too many people with too many opinions, and you'll never be able to satisfy everyone. But COME ON. This is a no-brainer.

Furthermore, there are movies on this list that are simply not what I would consider cult movies. The Shawshank Redemption? Great film? Yes. Cult movie? Not according to any definition of "cult movie" I've ever heard. I don't know, maybe I'm talking shit about a subject I really know nothing about, but this really makes no sense to me. Perhaps there is some parallel universe where The Shawshank Redemption is a cult movie and The Holy Grail is not, but in this one, that is just not right.

*****

I also read Newsweek. In the last issue, there was this long article on American Idol, and as I was furiously turning the pages as quickly as I could, in order to prevent anything relating to that dreck-laden-sorry-excuse-for-a-reality-show-whose-popularity-I-will-never-ever-understand from accidentally getting into my brain, I happened to notice a little chart listing a bunch of actual rejected reality show pitches.

Most of them were well deserving of their rejected status, but not this one: "Pimp House", where six real-live pimps live together in a house. No challenges, no voting. They just live in the house, and they pimp.

I would so totally watch that show. A show about pimps? Seriously? That's fucking genius.

*****

Oh, and um, still working on the trip report. It's going to be funny and witty and everything, I promise.