March 29, 2005

Service Interruption

Things in life have suddenly become really, really stressful (even more so than usual, even though it didn't seem possible). And I'm probably not going to be posting here much in the near future. It's not so much that I don't have time, although that's part of it. It's more that the stress just kills any desire to write much of anything. (God, I feel like a broken record. I know I've written almost exactly the same thing at least once or twice before.) Of course, as is always the rule, as soon as you say something like this, within hours you suddenly think of something you want to write about anyway. Who knows. No guarantees. But if you don't see anything here for a while, you know why.

Edited to add: By "near future" I mean the next several weeks. So don't abandon me! I'll be back.

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March 25, 2005


I hate falling asleep when I don't mean to. Last night, I feel asleep watching TV. At first, I thought I had only missed ER, but then this morning I realized I had also missed The Office. Fell asleep a few minutes past 9, woke up two hours later. I really wanted to watch The Office, too. The commercials seemed funny, and I read a review that said it was at least better than all the other sitcoms on TV right now (not a ringing endorsement, but still promising). I wasn't sure if the show would be any good, but I at least wanted to give it a shot. Normally I wouldn't care that I missed ER - it's sucked for years, but I still keep watching it out of habit. But yesterday? Sharif Atkins came back. He was one of the few good reasons to watch. And apparently he did the deed with Neela, which means he probably took his shirt off, which...anyway.

I really do have a problem with this falling alseep thing. It happens in cars a lot. I've missed my stop on the subway because I fell asleep. I fall asleep watching TV and movies all the time. It happened when I watched High Fidelity. It's happened twice with the Usual Suspects - I still have never seen it in its entirety. The worst was The Crying Game, when I fell asleep IN THE THEATER. Know when I woke up? Right after The Big Reveal, because of all the noise from the crowd. We had this Japanese guy with us who didn't speak very much English, and after the movie, he was all, can someone please explain that movie to me? And I was all, um, I fell asleep. And this other guy was like, dude, just see it with subtitles when you go back to Japan.

Speaking of movies, I am thinking of temporarily quitting Netflix. This pains me so, because I love seeing the red envelopes in the mailbox. But the next four months of my life are going to be kind of hellishly busy, and I know I can't afford to be watching movies. So sad. Goodbye, movies.

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March 22, 2005

I got Sarah Jessica Parker fired

Okay, not really, but I like to think that the Gap somehow knew how much I wanted her to go away.

I'll reserve judgement on her replacement, Joss Stone, until a later time, seeing as how I have no idea who she is. (Sigh. I am officially old.)

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March 21, 2005

Cool site

Found this over at Pharyngula. It's a site that will tell you how common your last name was by state over time. They give you cool colorized maps that you can post if you want to, but I don't know how to post pictures, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

The database only has the top 50,000 names. Interestingly, in 1850, my last name was common enough that it was included, and Ohio was bright green (~1 in 1000). By 1880, Ohio was back to blue, and Maryland was bright green. By 1920, Maryland was back to blue, and Pennsylvania was light blue. Finally, by 1990, you see it where you would expect it to be, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts (based on where a large portion of my ethnic group lives) as well as Nevada (...hmmm). It's interesting - I really wonder if those early pockets are part of my group. I actually don't think they are, especially since there's a more common spelling of my last name, and it doesn't start showing up at all until 1920. Who knows, though.

I also plugged in all the other names in my family. None of them show up at all until 1920, and they all show a huge (relative) increase between 1920 and 1990. Not surprising, given my group's immigration patterns. Of all my family names, only one (my dad's birth name) is moderately common around the whole country. Most states are at least some shade of light blue or green. Not surprising is that it is least common out west in the area of Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, the Dakotas, and Utah, as well as the deep south.

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March 20, 2005


One very tall person to live in my apartment and change my lightbulbs*. Duties may also include performing other services on an as-needed basis. 6'5" and taller, only. Male preferred. Hot especially preferred. No financial compensation available, but benefits include direct access to my supermodel looks and scintillating personality. Serious inquiries only.

*Literally. I am ready to smash my light fixtures because I can't see the tops of them to get them properly attached back to the ceiling. However. I am open to the possiblity that this may also be code for something. What, I'm not sure.

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March 18, 2005

In case you missed it

For some reason, the last post reminded me of a site I linked to a long time ago, the Universal Translator. Plug in your URL, and it will translate your site into various "languages." My favorite is pimp.


Well, I certainly never would have predicted THIS

Okay, so I normally don't do these quiz things that are all the rage these days, but this just required entering my URL. Check it out:

This site is certified 26% EVIL by the Gematriculator

This site is certified 74% GOOD by the Gematriculator

According to the main page:

The Gematriculator is a service that uses the infallible methods of Gematria developed byMr. Ivan Panin to determine how good or evil a web site or a text passage is.

Basically, Gematria is searching for different patterns through the text, such as the amount of words beginning with a vowel. If the amount of these matches is divisible by a certain number, such as 7 (which is said to be God's number), there is an incontestable argument that the Spirit of God is ever present in the text. Another important aspect in gematria are the numerical values of letters: A=1, B=2 ... I=9, J=10, K=20 and so on. The Gematriculator uses Finnish alphabet, in which Y is a vowel.

Experts consider the mathematical patterns in the text of the Holy Bible as God's watermark of authenticity. Thus, the Gematriculator provides only results that are absolutely correct.

I would have thought I was pretty evil, but if the internet says I'm 74% good, it must be true.

Update: Ha! After I made this post, it changed my rating to 31% evil, and only 69% good. I'll be evil yet, I tell you. Update again: After the first update, it went back to 74% good. Damn. Things were looking so promising. Anyway, I'm sure this update will change it yet again, but I am not checking it anymore.

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Not only is Congress giving the Constitution a big old "Fuck You" this week by making a mockery of the separation of powers and blocking the removal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube, but now they are going to subpoena her to appear before Congress. This is such an astonishing level of cruelty and indignity being inflicted on her, I don't even know what to say. What is the point of doing this? She can't testify. Are they going to give her a medical exam right there on the House floor? And what makes any of them qualifed to determine anything about her medical condition? This is just so disgusting and dehumanizing. While her parents may be a little nuts, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt because they are her parents, and no parent wants to see their child die. But not a single one of the other people fighting to keep her alive gives a fuck about her. She's just a tool to advance their agenda. It makes me sick.

Update: Well it looks like whatever they were trying to do didn't work (yet), and a judge has ordered the tube removed, which has now been done. Granted, that doesn't meen it's over, because it will take a while for her to die, and things could still change (it was removed once before, and then replaced a few days later, so anything is possible). I want to say that she will finally get to die with dignity, but that almost doesn't seem possible (the dignity part, not the dying), given all the craziness that's already happened. If there's one thing I think we can probably be pretty sure of, it's that she never would have wanted to become the center of this ridiculous spectacle. Who would?

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March 17, 2005


So the comments were apparently having issues yesterday. Again. Some more. I finally got fed up and decided to go ahead and install Haloscan. The voice of the people will no longer be stifled by Blogger!

I didn't want to lose the comments I already had, so unfortunately, the old posts now have two comment links, and it looks really stupid, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it (though I guess I can turn off the comments on posts that don't have any). Oh well. You can't ask for everything.


March 16, 2005

What's the over/under on when James Dobson gets involved?

"Jesus is the only Twinkie."

I really wanted to make jokes about this, but I can't figure out how.

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March 15, 2005

Are people really this stupid?

Wait, don't answer that.

I stopped in to my local Finagle-A-Bagel today, and they have this thing now where they'll scoop out part of the bagel for you. Why would they do this?

"25% fewer calories! 25% fewer carbs!"

No shit. That's what happens when you make something 25% smaller. Like, if a bagel is too much for you, just don't eat the last quarter of it, dumbasses of the world. (Granted, I don't think they charge you extra for this service, because then it would really be outrageous, but still, it's stupid.)

I could actually see a possible benefit to scooping out the bagel - it would make bagel sandwiches easier to eat, because the filling(s) wouldn't slide around so much. But they're not promoting it as such; they're promoting it as some sort of crass weight-loss benefit. Jeebus.

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March 14, 2005


Recently, we learned about people I don't like. Now we move on to things. Disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive. Please do not assume that just because your favorite hate-object does not appear on this list, that I don't hate it as well. The following things, if I had to power to do so, would be BANNED:

Stargazer lilies.

Dasani "water," otherwise known as "swill."

Country music.

Red onions.


Calling all soda "Coke." I'm sorry, but this is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard. It's also trademark infringement, which I am legally bound to be offended by (and nevermind that I am not using tradmark symbols here. I don't know how to make them in HTML. Yeah, that's what it is. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am too lazy to find out, or that I don't actually really care. Nothing at all). Note: since I know I have several midwestern readers, I will grudgingly give "pop" a pass, but DON'T abuse the privilege, or I will reconsider faster than you can say "east coast soda snob."


The word "panties." (Ew, just typing it makes me cringe.)


Mermaid-style dresses.

The "boop-boop" sound Tivo makes.

The smell emanating from the Nut-Roasters carts near my office.

DVDs that won't let you fast-forward through the previews.

All the lunch places near my office. There are about eight-hundred, and nearly all of them suck, and the ones that don't always have two-hour lines.

Computers manufactured by companies not named Apple.

Pens with point sizes larger than fine.

8-oz. coffee mugs (only seen in my office). Seriously, WTF? Who only drinks 8 ounces of coffee at a time?

The phone calls I get from my credit card company, every single month, asking me if I want to sign up for their payment protection plan, or whatever it's called, which is some sort of extortion-style insurance plan that will let you not pay your bill if you ever can't. Listen up, here, Chase. I love my credit card. And I love the fact that you pay me actual cash money to use it. Know how it is that you pay me to use it? Because I PAY MY BALANCE every single month. I haven't carried a balance in five years, and that was only because I moved to a new apartment and started a new job, so I wasn't getting paid for a few extra weeks, and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for said new job, all at the same time. And then I only did it for a few months. Get it? I don't need no payment protection plan. I will never need it. And I tell you this EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU CALL. And yet, you still keep calling, month after month, because you're allowed to do it, because I'm already a customer.

Ugg boots.

Scented laundry detergent.

Snow. For the love of god, please make it stop.

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March 10, 2005

I want my twenty-five dollars!

So I'm sitting here at my desk trying to decipher some very cryptic flow charts so I can summarize them in paragraph form, and my phone rings, and it's a woman asking me if I'll answer some questions for their market research about my industry, and if I say yes, I'll get $25.00. Since I am a whore, I said sure, why not. So she asks me some basic questions about the place where I work, as in, exactly what type of place it is, and how many people work there, and then says, sorry, we've already filled our quota of people who work at that type of place. Okay, then. And after I hang up the phone, it occurs to me that, given that they called me, shouldn't they have already known that information? They obviously got my number from somewhere, and determined that I was an appropriate person to target for their survey, so it just seems weird that they wouldn't already know where I work. And if they knew where I work, they could have figured out that they'd already filled their quota without ever calling me, since the information is all right there on our website. Just seems kind of weird, especially since they're a market research firm, and you'd think they'd have enough sense to, you know, do some research.

By the way, for the longest time, I've been trying to figure out how to post in other colors (mostly so I can set quotes off without resorting to italics or bold, since the blockquote function fucks up the formatting of all the text that comes after it), and I could not figure out how to do it. And then today I noticed that there's a whole other tab in the "compose post" window, and it has a convenient little color button. All this time, I've been trying to do it by HTML, except I don't actually know much HTML, and the button's been right there. God, I am clueless. Hey look, it worked!

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March 07, 2005

God, I am just a big baby; plus, bonus paranoia

How do people deal with chronic back pain? No really, how? Because I done went tweaked something in my back this weekend, and I WANT TO DIE. And it's not even that bad - I'm pretty sure it's just a minor strain of some sort, probably the result of sleeping on a rickety sofabed Saturday night (either that or it's a kidney infection, and I'm only saying that because it's in the general vicinity of where I believe my kidney to be, and not based on any experience of ever actually having a kidney infection, or even having any idea what the actual symptoms are supposed to be, and how do you like THAT expert medical diagnosis?) - but seriously, I cannot stop thinking about how I want to just curl up in a ball and whimper right now, and it's times like this when I really wish I had a boyfriend who could do nice things for me while I whine like a baby. And wow, that was an excellently-crafted run-on sentence, don't you think?

In other news, I had a brief moment of terror this weekend when I overheard my mother having a conversation containing the following excerpt: "Blah blah blah put it in a blog blah blah blah."


My mother is not suppopsed to know what a blog is. She just isn't. Here's the thing about my mom - she actually knows quite a bit about computers. She even makes a living as a freaking programmer, if you must know. But she's just not the type who's ever been into things like "surfing the internet" or "pop culture" or stuff like that. And definitely not blogs.

And definitely not THIS blog. I know this site isn't exactly the raunchiest place, but there have been at least a few scattered allusions to, you, and when it comes to my mom, that is not stuff I want her anywhere near. Seriously, my mom is the one everyone in both my immediate and extended families mocks mercilously because she is such a prude (I'm not kidding - we really do that - but it's in a "we kid because we love" kind of way, so don't go thinking I'm being mean to my mom or anything).

But I wasn't worried, because, well, she wouldn't even know what a blog is, right? RIGHT? Aaargh.

Granted, it's not likely she'd ever actually find my blog without being explicitly told about it, but it could happen. I did put code into the template that renders Google useless (go ahead, try to find my blog using Google - can't do it), but there's always the "Next Blog" button up there, and for all I know, my mom is sitting at her computer clicking away at it, and one day she could land here. I know I try to be anonymous, but still, there are stories I've told here about people, and if those people (including my mom) ever read them, they'd surely recognize themselves, and thus, me.

I think what I need to do, clearly, is swear more, because my mother HATES that. She'd probably flee at the first sign of "fuck," and then I'd be home free. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Ass. Fuck. Shit, shit, shit. Goddamn.

Yeah, I think that should do it.

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March 06, 2005

Sunday night brain detritus

It's true what the Republicans say. Bill Clinton is such an awful guy. What do you want to bet that, under the same circumstances, George W. would have made Dad sleep on the floor?

If there's anything that would make me want to jam sharp objects in my eyes, repeatedly, it's this new Gap commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker singing "I Enjoy Being A Girl." On the TV station serving my personal Hell, it will definitely be part of the advertising portfolio.

Speaking of commercials, it has to be a really tough dilemma to be an aspiring actress, and you get your big break with a national commercial that will get played endlessly on TV, and then you find out that it's for prescription herpes medication. On the one hand, this is all you've ever wanted, your dream. You just know you have what it takes to be star, if only someone will give you a chance. But on the other hand, you will probably have to spend the rest of your life explaining to every single guy you date that, no, you DON'T actually have herpes, IT WAS JUST A COMMERCIAL.

Know how everyone has things they don't like to talk about? I'm not talking about painful or uncomfortable things, but things that are so thoroughly, excruciatingly uninteresting that talking about them makes you want to, well, jam sharp objects in your eyes (not unlike certain subject matter above - sorry, it's late - I'm not feeling especially creative at the moment). Know what is the best ever? When you get asked about said excruciatingly uninteresting things about EIGHTY TIMES in the space of two hours.

Purchased today, among other things: a "personal watermelon." I'll let you decide if that's code for something or not.

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March 03, 2005


Bwahahahaha! New England Patriots Somehow Win Best Picture Oscar.

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March 01, 2005

Just don't call him fat

Holy crap! A 22-pound lobster! Imagine being served that guy on a plate. Thankfully (for the lobster), he won't be going to the big, uh, ocean in the sky anytime soon.

UPDATE: Aw, geez. Bubba the lobster has died on his own. Seems like it was the stress that did it.

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That's right, I'm the asshole

What kind of person tells her boss that she'll stay and finish the project she's working on, and won't leave until she's done, and then peeks out of her office every ten minutes to see if her boss is still there, and then bolts the moment his office is dark? An asshole, that's who.


It's not like they're dangerous or anything

I noticed this today. The TSA will start banning lighters on airplanes starting on April 14. Am I alone in thinking, wait, they weren't banned already?! They've been confiscating nail clippers, but all this time, they've been allowing lighters? Does this make any sense at all?