Not a good sign

When you decide to check the damage from a week and a half of restaurants, weddings, birthday parties, and your mom's cooking, and the scale answers you with "ERROR".

Easiest trivia question ever, if you think about it

What famous person, when staying at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel, special orders bologna sandwiches on Wonder Bread with mayonnaise, with Doritos on the side?

Answer here, via Gawker.

No mention of a beverage, but my money's on chocolate milk or apple juice in a sippy cup.

Dreaming of cake

Actual cake, that is. Not the band this time.

You know how anxiety usually manifests itself in dreams in the form of being naked in public, or forgetting to study for a big exam? For me, these days, anxiety dreams involve food, like so - the other day, I had a dream where someone gave me a forkful of cake, and I just ate it. And I then I freaked out because how could I let my guard down and eat cake without thinking about it? How??? It was one of those dreams where, when you finally wake up, you have to sit there for a moment and get your bearings and convince yourself that everything that just happened didn't really happen. It was not fun.

You're probably thinking I have developed an eating disorder, but I haven't. I'm not doing Atkins, either, although that's the first thing people ask when I mention that I can't eat cake or bread or pasta anymore (or beer, incidentally, and it's a good thing I never liked beer anyway, because I think it would awfully hard to give up if I did).

Besides moving out here to California, the one big thing that's happened in my life in the last year is that I found out I have Celiac Disease. Normally getting diagnosed with a weird disease is not a welcome development, but in this case it was, because it finally provided an explanation for why I felt like such crap (no, uh, pun intended) all the time, and had been, for years. And it also provided a seemingly easy cure: stop eating gluten, which is a protein found in wheat, barley, rye, and oats.

Of course, easier said than done. Things like bread and pasta are obvious. What's not so obvious is the fact that wheat and barley derivatives are used in practically everything. It's forced me to go all OCD when it comes to food (and as you know, I can be kind of OCD about lots of things already - I didn't really need more of it) - I can't eat anything without scrutinizing the ingredients list anymore. If it has malt flavoring or modified food starch or texturized vegetable protein, it'll make me sick. Unidentified "natural flavorings" are always a risk. In the U.S., caramel color (which is what colors Coke) is safe, but in other countries, it could be made from wheat (or barley, maybe - I forget which one). You can see how it can make you crazy. And then of course, even if the ingredient list looks safe, there's always the problem of cross-contamination - if the manufacturing plant where your food was packaged also packaged something with gluten in it, your apparently safe food might not actually be.

In many ways, it's actually a good thing - I eat almost no processed food anymore. That's where most of the bad stuff is. Mostly I just eat natural stuff - tons of fruit and vegetables, meat, eggs. I can still eat other grains like rice, corn, and potatoes. I don't really miss most of the stuff I gave up - I never really loved bread all that much anyway. If I really want pasta, I just put the tomato sauce on some Asian rice noodles, and it's just as good. When I really, really need cookies or muffins, I hike out to Whole Foods and their dedicated gluten-free bakehouse (I suppose I could learn how to bake such things myself, but for some reason I've never been able to explain, I don't bake).

What I do really miss are the things I can't make myself. Sure, I can buy a pizza crust at Whole Foods and make myself a pizza at home, but it will never taste like a pizza from Uno's or Bertucci's or Pino's. I can make a hot dog on a gluten-free bun, but it will never tase like a Fenway Frank. I can cook a stir-fry at home using wheat-free soy sauce, but I pretty much can't eat Chinese food in a restaurant anymore because regular soy sauce, which is in most Chinese dishes, has wheat in it.

Actually, eating in most restaurants is hard, because you have to proactive about making sure they know what you can't eat (and if you know me well, you know how incredibly difficult this is for me), and even then, you have to trust that they really know exactly what they're putting in their food, that your food isn't being cooked right next to something with flour (because it gets in the air and can land in your food), that they won't take a spatula used in a gluten-containing meal and use it to stir yours without cleaning it, or that they won't accidentally put croutons on your salad, and then when you send it back, just pick them off, leaving crumbs, instead of making you a new one. Thankfully, this isn't like a life-threatening allergy - I won't die if my food has a little wheat in it, but it will make me sick for days, and if it happens a lot, it has other long-term effects (it kind of does something similar to your intestines what smoking does to your lungs).

Anyway, as much of a pain as it is to stick to this new diet, it's a small price to pay for my health. I'll take it.

In other news, you've probably been wondering what it's like out here in sunny California, right? It has been almost a year, I see. Yikes. Sorry.

So, I'm liking it out here. Don't miss the snow or the cold AT ALL. I go running in the hills overlooking the ocean while the sun sets. Not bad, huh? The job, however, was not exactly what I'd expected. When they hired me, it was supposedly because they needed someone to do a certain type of work, which type I happen to be qualified to do. And then when I got here, it turned out that what they were giving me to do was completely different. Needless to say, I was not too happy about it.

Since I get calls from headhunters all the time, I starting looking around, and ended up finding another job more suited to my background. The great thing is, however is that it's a job in the same field, but I can work from home. They have an elaborate online setup to send the work back and forth, and everything can be done online or over the phone. Historically in my field, the clients have never been local anyway, so in theory it didn't even really matter where we were located. It's an interesting business model, because the company doesn't have to pay for office space (or at least, office space for a significant number of the employees - the company does have an office where some people, mostly administrative, are located), which is often a huge expense, while I don't have to deal with commuting, annoying coworkers, or getting dressed up every day. I know some people would go nuts if they were home alone all day and didn't see other people, but not me. Not at all.

Plus, it obviously makes life much more flexible. I can travel more easily because it doesn't matter where I am, as long as there's an internet connection - if I want to go visit my parents for two weeks, I can do without worrying about taking that much time off, because I can much more easily spend part of the time working. And of course, I can live wherever I want. In fact, the first thing my Mom asked when I told my parents about this was, so when are you moving back to Boston? Uh, not yet Mom. Maybe not ever. I don't know.

For now, at least, I'm staying here. I want to get settled into the new job first before even thinking about moving, but maybe sometime later, I might. One of my best friends is in the process of moving to LA in the next few months, so maybe I'll move up there. I actually would love to live in New York City (I almost ended up there instead of out here last year), but it's just so damn expensive, and also, given that I now mostly have to cook for myself, I think living there would be too difficult (plus I'd have to get rid of the car I just bought). Maybe I might eventually go back to Boston. Who knows? That's what's so great about it.

Maybe I'll start investigating real estate prices in Hawaii, yeah...

Four Things

So Dweeze has tagged me for this "Four Things" meme, and it is a well-known fact that I do whatever Dweeze tells me to do. So. Four things.

Four jobs I've had:

1. Materials science lab gopher.
2. Office gopher.
3. Undergraduate research assistant.
4. Undergraduate teaching assistant.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

Not necessarily the greatest movies of all time, but that's a different category.

1. Lone Star. This is the movie Chris Cooper should have won an Academy Award for, not Adaptation.

2. Mulholland Dr.

3. Titanic. Sorry, I know there's no excuse for this one. Believe me, it's not the love story (that's the worst part), because I mostly hate sappy, sentimental movies. But the fact is, I love the meticulous period detail (especially the costumes), and, more importantly, it's a maybe-not-so-well-known fact that I'm a sucker for large-scale transportation disaster porn.

4. Full Frontal.

Four places I've lived:

(Sorry, this one's not for bloggish consumption.)

Four TV shows I love:

1. Alias.

2. The Amazing Race.

3. The Office.

4. Eh, can't really come up with a fourth one. There are a bunch of other shows I watch regularly, but I can't say I "love" any of them (and since I still don't have cable, I'm limited to the meager offerings of broadcast teevee).

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest:

1. American Idol. Seriously, there are no words adequate to express how much I loathe this show.

2. Desperate Housewives. Although I probably wouldn't hate it as much if it just lost the awful theme music and the irritating Sue-Ellen Mischke narration. (Even then, it would still be immensely boring, so I still woudn't watch it anyway.)

3. The Apprentice. I actually forced myself to watch the last few episodes of this show last season, because my Dad knows the guy who ended up winning, but man, it was difficult. What a stupid show.

4. CSI, in any and all incarnations.

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:

Ugh, I hate this question. Here's the thing about me - I don't really read a lot of books. Which I know makes me sound really pathetic and illiterate. I do own a lot of books - I have a bad habit of buying them and then...not reading them. I don't know why. I think it has to do with the fact that I have a really short attention span. Anyway, it makes this question hard to answer because anything I say is going to sound really lame. But whatever, here you go:

1. Fatherland, by Robert Harris.

2. The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood.

3. Nicholas and Alexandra, by Robert Massie.

4. Fatal Vision, by Joe McGinniss.

Four places I've vacationed:

1. France.

2. Disney World.

3. Park City, Utah.

4. Seattle.

Four of my favorite dishes:

Depends whether you're talking generally, or from a specific source. Because there's a Malaysian resaurant here that has amazing mango chicken, but I don't know that I'd call it my favorite except from that one place. But anyway, whatever.

1. Kimbap (Korean sushi rolls containing beef, egg, spinach, carrot, and pickled radish).

2. Chicken Pho (Vietnamese noodle soup).

3. My Mom's barley-beef soup.

4. Aloo Chole (Indian chickpea and potato curry).

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Deadspin.

2. Defamer.

3. Damn Hell Ass Kings.

4. And of course, Circle Of.

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Dhoni Mighili (Maldives). It is my life's goal to marry a wealthy man solely so I can go on vacation there.

2. New York City.

3. L.A.

4. France.

Four bloggers I am tagging:

Well, I don't really like to do that, but anyone who wants to is free to take it (though I seriously doubt my blog is the first place you've seen this meme, so I assume anyone who's wanted to do it has already done so).

Maybe this will be the cure for blogger's block

Normally, I hate the whole meme phenomenon. But this one Badger has posted is fairly non-threatening, and I really, really need something to jog my brain. Seriously, people, the well? It is dry.

1. What is your first name?

None of your business.

2. Were you named after anyone?

Not that I know of.

3. Do you wish on stars?

No.

4. When did you last cry?

A few weeks ago.

5. Do you like your handwriting?

When I put effort into it, yes. But if I'm writing quickly, or tired, it looks like chicken scratches.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Paper-thin, super-lean corned beef. Preferably incorporated into a reuben sandwich (on light rye, with spicy mustard, not russian dressing).

7. What is your most embarrassing CD?

Maybe the Rod Stewart. And also the Ace of Base. But my excuse for that one is that, for some reason, it was really good studying music when I was in college. So, you see, it had educational value. Yeah. And the first Wham! album (Fantastic), which is possibly the cheesiest group of songs ever assembled, but which I absolutely adore.

I also have plenty of embarrassing single tracks. Marky Mark, Lou Bega, Rick Astley, Bon Jovi all come to mind. Oh, and there's even a Backstreet Boys song in there too, but only because I was trying to test whether you can email iTunes files, and I asked my friend to email me something she knew I wouldn't own. Hence, the Backstreet Boys. Of course, this doesn't explain why I haven't deleted it.

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

Probably not.

9. Do you have a journal?

I suppose, if this qualifies.

10. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Of course not.

11. What are your nicknames?

Just a shortened form of my first name. Which, as you will recall, is still none of your business.

12. Would you bungee jump?

If I were a contestant on The Amazing Race, yes. Under any other circumstances, probably not. But strangely, I'm not sure I'd say no to skydiving.

13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

No. As I've said numerous times before, I'm very lazy.

14. Do you think that you are strong?

Physically, I know I'm not. Mentally, emotionally...I don't know. I don't think so.

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Generally, pumpkin or blackberry. Best when eaten during the summer, from a roadside ice cream place in Maine.

With respect to brands, Haagen-Dazs makes the best chocolate, Dove and Breyer's make the best vanilla, and Brigham's makes the best chocolate-chip.

16. Shoe Size?

Too damn large. Every shoe-shopping trip goes exactly the same way: see cute shoes on display, usually in something like a size 5, ask for my size, recoil in horror at giant, no-longer-cute clown shoes, spend several days trying to repair self-esteem.

17. Red or pink?

Red. No contest.

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

It's really too hard to choose just one thing.

19. Who do you miss most?

My Nana.

20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?

Um...clearly this was intended to be emailed. So, whatever.

21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?

Currently wearing: Dark blue Adidas shorts, green t-shirt that says "System Design and Management" on the front, no shoes. So sexy.

22. What are you listening to right now?

Wham! - Fantastic.

23. Last thing you ate?

Small beef-and-bean burrito with green beans and roasted corn. And a cup of pickled celery.

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Periwinkle. It was always my favorite, not necessarily because of the color, but because of the name.

25. What is the weather like right now?

Hot. Humid. What else is new?

26. Last person you talked to on the phone?

My mother.

27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Ick, I always hate this kind of question. I don't know. It depends.

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

Well, I stole it from Badger, so yes.

29. Favorite Drink?

Pretty much any fruity, girly drink.

30. Favorite Sport?

To play: Lacrosse, tennis, running, skiing. (In theory, anyway. It's been ages since I've skied or played tennis, and playing lacrosse is pretty much impossible now for a million different reasons.)

To watch: Football, baseball.

31. Hair Color?

Dark brown.

32. Eye Color?

Brown.

33. Do you wear contacts?

I used to. Had to stop when I started a job that required me to stare at a computer for most of the day.

34. Favorite Food?

Eh, can't really pick just one. Favorite cuisine is probably Korean.

35. Last Movie You Watched?

In the theater: Hotel Rwanda.

On DVD: Kinsey. With my parents, my brother, and my brother's fiancee. Awkward.

36. Favorite Day Of The Year?

I don't know. Don't really have one.

37. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

Scary movies, I guess. Not gory-scary, though.

38. Summer or Winter?

During summer, I want winter. During winter, I want summer.

39. Hugs or Kisses?

Depends.

40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?

Ice cream.

41. Who Is Most Likely To do this Meme?

I don't know. This type of question is one part of the meme thing that I really hate.

42. Who Is Least Likely To do this Meme and comment?

See #41.

43. What Books Are You Reading?

At the moment, none. I have a bad habit of buying books and then never getting around to reading them.

44. What's On Your Mouse Pad?

Don't have one.

45. What Did You Watch Last night on TV?

The baseball game, without sound, reflected in the mirror in front of the treadmill (it's like bizarro baseball - most of the players are left-handed, and the batters run to third base).

46. Favorite Smells?

Lilacs, vine-ripened tomatoes, cigars, baby shampoo.

47. Favorite Sounds?

The water gently lapping at the edge of a lake, loons (the birds, not the crazy people).

48. Rolling Stones or Beatles?

Beatles.

49. What's the furthest you've been from home?

Berlin.

50. Do you have a special talent?

Self-deprecation.

51. What is your ring tone?

Normal, boring, regular ring tone. Like a phone should sound.

So do I have telepathic powers, or is someone reading my mind?

A few days ago, out of nowhere, I had a craving for stuffed cabbage. I don't know why - it's not like it's my favorite food or anything. But today, I went out to get lunch, and the place I went to had stuffed cabbage. I should note that I've never seen it on the menu there before, so it's not like I had any reason to be thinking about it. (It was excellent, by the way.)

And then yesterday, I was in Wendy's, and I was thinking about how I've never had a Frosty, and maybe I might like to try one, because they look awfully tasty, but I've never wanted one strongly enough that I've actually carried through and bought one. And then? I read today that Wendy's is giving out free Frostys this weekend. Mmmm, Frostys.

This afternoon, I'm going to concentrate on thinking about how I would really like someone to hand me a giant bag of money.

Jolene writes letters

Dear My Boss:

PLEASE STOP BUGGING ME. I am working on that project and I will LET YOU KNOW when it's done. Leave me the hell alone.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Lady In The Lobby With The Worst Fashion Sense I Have Ever Seen In A Long Time:

Please dress better. You are hurting my eyes.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Lunch Place In My Building:

Please stop sucking so much. You never have anything I want to eat. And you run out of everthing by 1:00 in the afternoon, so you suck even more. Also, when I ask for "a couple" of pickles, it means two, not one.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Govermental Agency I Have To Deal With:

Please stop having so many damn deadlines.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Subway:

PLEASE STOP FUCKING BREAKING DOWN ALL THE TIME WHEN I'M TRYING TO GET TO WORK. I really don't appreciate having to get off the fucking train, and then being told that fucking shuttle buses are coming, except they never fucking show up, and then I have to walk fifteen fucking minutes outside to get to the next fucking stop where the fucking trains aren't broken down anymore, making me late and also all sweaty. And also, I'm sure all the people waiting at the stop where you made us get off the train really appreciated the fact that no one told them the train was broken down, despite the fact that there were about ten transit authority guys milling around doing nothing, AND despite the fact that everyone was already GETTING OFF THE TRAIN. Good work, geniuses. And they wonder why more people don't take the subway.

And now I've been in a fucking bad mood all day and it's all your fucking fault.

Love,

Jolene

In which I reveal a little bit about myself

As many of you know, Saturday night was Passover. As some of you also know, I am not the slightest bit religious, myself. But my family is, at least to the degree that we have a Passover seder every year. We don't necessarily take it very seriously, but we do have it, for what that's worth.

* * *

Because I don't have a car, my aunt L gave me a ride over to my parents' house. As I met her at my front door, she greeted me with, "I'm SO glad you're dressed like a slob too!" Nice. For the record, I was NOT dressed like a slob. Casual, maybe, but not a slob. I am fully willing to admit that I am a slob, but I was not dressed like one. Whatever. My aunt is one of those people you kind of just nod your head and agree with, because...she has issues.

L: Ugh. I hope this doesn't go too long. Sometimes I just hate these family things. They're soooo stressful, you know? Don't tell your mother I said that."

Of course not. There's no need. Because everyone in the family ALREADY KNOWS.

At the end of the ride, I am thankful my other aunt is driving me back, because L drives like an old person - at least ten miles below the speed limit, hitting the brakes every time she sees the tiniest crack in the road, drifting into the other lane every once in a while. She's one of those people who you wonder how they get through life without ever getting into an accident.

* * *

Upon arriving, I see that my Dad is engrossed in the NFL draft. He's even got list of all the college players, and is marking their names off as they get drafted. Looking at the clock, we come to the distressing realization that we will miss our team's top pick because of the seder, so my Dad sets up the computer near the dining room. My mother is not told about this. As people arrive, everyone oohs and aahs over the newish, gigantic, wall-consuming television (later, after dinner, there will be fights over whether we will watch baseball or basketball, and when we put up the split-screen, which game gets the sound; I wanted baseball, but I was voted down).

* * *

Prior to this year, my uncle was the leader, but he and my aunt moved to Florida, so the job fell to my dad. He reads the Hagaddah like he is giving a speech or teaching one of his classes.

When he gets to the part where he tells the story of why we eat matzah, he makes the same joke he makes EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

My dad:We eat matzah because our ancestors did not have time to allow the dough to rise before they had to flee...but they still had time to bake all sorts of Passover rolls and cakes and stuff. Har har har.

My mom: STOP editorializing. JUST READ! God.

My uncle: Come on, I'm sure our ancestors had a sense of humor.

Fortunately, my mom does not notice when we get to the part in our Haggadah that talks about Jews in the Soviet Union (not something I've ever seen in a Haggadah, but I guess these were a little non-traditional, so okay).

My dad: What's all this about Soviet jewelry?

Somewhere in there, we get to the point where everyone reads a little bit, usually about a paragraph. This year, my cousin's kid gets the section about why we eat maror, except he reads it as "why we eat manure" (not on purpose - he's just not old enough yet to have perfect reading skills). Sadly (for those of us who have the maturity of twelve-year-olds), our Haggadahs are different from the ones my aunt used to use, which had a passage that talked about "Moses's rod," and no one could ever read it without all the cousins stifling their laughter, and all the adults acting scandalized. "What's going on? What are you all laughing at?"

Later, my dad explains the Passover symbols (I'll note that I think I'm going through everything here a little out of order, as I believe explaining the matzah was part of this. Whatever).

He picks up the lamb shank bone.

My dad: This is the lamb shank. It symbolizes--

Someone: It says you're supposed to point at it.

My dad: Okay, I'm pointing at it.

My cousin B: Wow, that's a big bone!

Someone: What about the egg? What's the egg for?

Someone else: Life? Spring?

Someone else: No, I think the parsley is for spring.

Someone else: I'm hungry. Is it time to eat yet?

My cousin A quietly excuses himself to "go to the bathroom." When he comes back, several of us mouth the words, "Who'd they pick?"

When we get to the part with "Go Down Moses" (snicker), everyone argues about whether we're supposed to sing it or not. Several people think it's the song "Dayenu," which is actually on the next page.

We do try to sing "Dayenu," but half the people don't know the words, everyone is off key, and no one is singing in unison. No one knows more than one verse, and we're mostly sick of it anyway.

My mom: Okay, enough. We're not the Von Trapp family here.

And finally, we get to what everyone is really waiting for, the meal.

* * *

There's a lot of starch, a lot of turkey. Not a whole lot of green. My cousin C's girlfriend-of-the-month has brought a jello mold, which she claims is a Jewish tradition. I would dispute that. Especially since it has dairy in it, and we are eating turkey, and eating meat and dairy together is not kosher. Not that any of us actually keeps kosher (I don't think my parents throw out any of their bread; I don't even stop eating it), but we still at least try to pretend to do it at the Passover meal. We are all polite and try a little of the jello mold, but unsurprisingly, no one wanted to keep the leftovers that night.

Never saw this coming

Except by "never," I mean "totally."

It's not often that I feel sorry for giant corporations, but this is one of those times when I do. Apparently, the whole finger-in-the-chili thing was a hoax. It's really not surprising, given that if someone's finger did actually get cut off* anywhere in the production chain for the chili, it's pretty unlikely no one would have noticed (at least, I think it's unlikely, but I'll admit that I know very little about mass food production of the sort used by Wendy's).

Situations like this really suck, because the company has to spend a ton of money investigating, and more importantly, suffers serious damage to its reputation. And there's likely no way they can recoup the money they've lost, and will continue to lose, because even if they could win a lawsuit against this woman, it's not like she has the money to pay them. Then, of course, there's the fact that (as noted in the article) individual franchises are independently owned, so they get hurt financially, as do the workers (who already make next-to-nothing).

Normally, I hate bringing up the "franchises are independenly owned" issue, because usually it's in the context of arguing against a boycott of the company. For example, I won't eat Domino's pizza** or join a Curves gym (not that I would, anyway, but that's beside the point) because the owners of those companies donate large sums of money to political causes I strongly disagree with (Operation Rescue in the case of Domino's; I'm not sure of the name for the Curves one, but it's some sort of pregnancy pseudo-counseling center that targets scared pregnant poor women and misleads them about the options available to them, particularly abortion - it's something like that - I forget exactly, but I know it's not something I want to support).

Some people would say you shouldn't do that, because you're hurting the individual franchise owners, who have nothing to do with the politics of the owners of the companies, but that's not something I'm willing to consider, because I'm still not going to spend money there if it means putting money in the pockets of people who support causes I think are wrong. If the franchise owners are worried about the company owners' politics affecting their bottom lines, they shouldn't have franchised those companies. Also, the amount of money I spend on things is fairly static - if my money doesn't go to, say, Domino's, it will just go somewhere else. So some other franchise owner (or even better, an independent restaurant) will get my money instead. There's no way every business is going to get money from me, so better that I spend it at those whose politics I don't disagree with (or, to be practical about it, that I am unaware of).

All that really has nothing to do with the Wendy's thing, but I just felt like talking about it anyway.

*This does raise the question of where the heck did the finger actually come from? I believe they were able to confirm that it was an actual human finger. So if she put it in the chili herself, whose is it? Did she just find it somewhere? Did she hack it off a dead body, or even worse, a live person?

**I should add that I am not entirely sure if Tom Monaghan still owns Domino's. I thought I had once heard that he sold the company, but don't know for sure (maybe I'm thinking of the Detroit Tigers, which I think he did sell). In any case, Domino's pizza sucks, so I still wouldn't eat it. One other thing - it occurs to me that I have no idea if Wendy's owner (past or present - not sure who that is now) has donated any money to any particular causes. For all I know, they donate to causes I don't like. If that's the case, than I retract all the sympathy I have for them.

Random disjointed uninteresting thoughts, because if I don't keep posting, you all will forget about me

So I painted my nails again. The last iteration lasted four days before chipping, which I think is a record for me.

I also went to the supermarket yesterday (don't you wish your life was exciting as mine?), and got all righteously indignant over this woman who was messing with the Campari tomatoes. See, they come prepackaged in plastic containers, and this woman was opening them up and transferring a bunch from one package to another, in order to get more in one package. And really wanted to get all huffy and tell her, um, don't you know that's STEALING?? Because I thought the packages were a flat price. I glared at her, and she reacted by pretending not to see me, that bitch. And then later, I noticed that the tomatoes were priced by the pound. So, whatever. But I should point out that these tomatoes were $4.99 a pound. I hope they were the best tomatoes ever, at that price.

In the complaint department, I really am disappinted in the yogurt selection. I used to eat a lot of yogurt, but I hardly ever do now, mostly because it just doesn't occur to me. But also, they never have anything good. First, most of it is all that fat-free crap. It never tastes as good, and I can't stand how they add gelatin to it. The way I see it, if you're going to eat something, you shouldn't half-ass it. If you're not going to fully enjoy what you're eating, I don't see the point to eating it at all. Of course, this attitude may be the main reason why I've gotten so fat, but we don't need to talk about that.

But anyway, the brand I always liked best was Dannon, and the flavor I liked was lemon. Now, they no longer make lemon (or at least, my supermarket doesn't sell it). And, Dannon made their containers smaller. I fucking HATE when companies do this - they make the container smaller and keep the price the same, instead of just raising the price on the old container. Apparently, there's some sort of psychological effect where all people see is the absolute price, and not the...I don't know what it's called, but you know what I mean - the price per ounce or pound or gallon or whatever unit of measurement you're using. WTF? So I can't have an 8-ounce cup of yogurt because the rest of the population is too stupid to see that a decrease in size IS a way of increasing the price. Geez, I never thought yogurt could get me so angry.

Also, here's another WTF? moment from the supermarket. I wanted to buy some tea. Normally, I like Republic of Tea, but there aren't many places to buy it - mostly gourmet food stores, and, oddly, Barnes & Noble. But Bigelow makes this tea called Constant Comment, which is black tea with orange peel and spices, and it's really good, and I needed some more. So they sell it in boxes of 20 and boxes of 40. The 20 was two for $5.00, and the 40 cost $5.49. Believe me, I checked to see if there was some explanation, like, maybe just the 20 was on sale, but no, those were the normal prices. MAKES NO SENSE, people. Someone in accounting needs to do something about that.

In other news, last week, for about a day and a half, the firewall at my office was down for some reason. I have no idea whether it was intentional or accidental, but all of a sudden, I could check my personal email (I always try once in a while in the vain hope that maybe they've changed their minds about blocking it), visit a certain message board, and look at porn. I mean, in theory, that is. Anyway, it was very strange checking this particular message board, since I usually can't during the day. It almost felt like I was spying. I didn't want to post anything, because I didn't want to get used to it only to have them cut it off again, but alas, they did anyway. Pity me.

Because it seems I must always mention something about TV, I have to say something about the newest Old Navy commercial. As a general rule, I've always found Old Navy commercials annoying, but this time they have gone TOO FAR. Yes, I'm talking about co-opting Bust A Move. That is wrong. You don't touch a classic like that. I am SO not kidding about this.

On the agenda tonight: laundry. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed with the excitement of it all, but it's damn hard.

What's the over/under on when James Dobson gets involved?

"Jesus is the only Twinkie."

I really wanted to make jokes about this, but I can't figure out how.

Are people really this stupid?

Wait, don't answer that.

I stopped in to my local Finagle-A-Bagel today, and they have this thing now where they'll scoop out part of the bagel for you. Why would they do this?

"25% fewer calories! 25% fewer carbs!"

No shit. That's what happens when you make something 25% smaller. Like, if a bagel is too much for you, just don't eat the last quarter of it, dumbasses of the world. (Granted, I don't think they charge you extra for this service, because then it would really be outrageous, but still, it's stupid.)

I could actually see a possible benefit to scooping out the bagel - it would make bagel sandwiches easier to eat, because the filling(s) wouldn't slide around so much. But they're not promoting it as such; they're promoting it as some sort of crass weight-loss benefit. Jeebus.

BANNED

Recently, we learned about people I don't like. Now we move on to things. Disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive. Please do not assume that just because your favorite hate-object does not appear on this list, that I don't hate it as well. The following things, if I had to power to do so, would be BANNED:

Stargazer lilies.

Dasani "water," otherwise known as "swill."

Country music.

Red onions.

Velour.

Calling all soda "Coke." I'm sorry, but this is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard. It's also trademark infringement, which I am legally bound to be offended by (and nevermind that I am not using tradmark symbols here. I don't know how to make them in HTML. Yeah, that's what it is. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am too lazy to find out, or that I don't actually really care. Nothing at all). Note: since I know I have several midwestern readers, I will grudgingly give "pop" a pass, but DON'T abuse the privilege, or I will reconsider faster than you can say "east coast soda snob."

Ham.

The word "panties." (Ew, just typing it makes me cringe.)

Tofu.

Mermaid-style dresses.

The "boop-boop" sound Tivo makes.

The smell emanating from the Nut-Roasters carts near my office.

DVDs that won't let you fast-forward through the previews.

All the lunch places near my office. There are about eight-hundred, and nearly all of them suck, and the ones that don't always have two-hour lines.

Computers manufactured by companies not named Apple.

Pens with point sizes larger than fine.

8-oz. coffee mugs (only seen in my office). Seriously, WTF? Who only drinks 8 ounces of coffee at a time?

The phone calls I get from my credit card company, every single month, asking me if I want to sign up for their payment protection plan, or whatever it's called, which is some sort of extortion-style insurance plan that will let you not pay your bill if you ever can't. Listen up, here, Chase. I love my credit card. And I love the fact that you pay me actual cash money to use it. Know how it is that you pay me to use it? Because I PAY MY BALANCE every single month. I haven't carried a balance in five years, and that was only because I moved to a new apartment and started a new job, so I wasn't getting paid for a few extra weeks, and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for said new job, all at the same time. And then I only did it for a few months. Get it? I don't need no payment protection plan. I will never need it. And I tell you this EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU CALL. And yet, you still keep calling, month after month, because you're allowed to do it, because I'm already a customer.

Ugg boots.

Scented laundry detergent.

Snow. For the love of god, please make it stop.

Sunday night brain detritus

It's true what the Republicans say. Bill Clinton is such an awful guy. What do you want to bet that, under the same circumstances, George W. would have made Dad sleep on the floor?

If there's anything that would make me want to jam sharp objects in my eyes, repeatedly, it's this new Gap commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker singing "I Enjoy Being A Girl." On the TV station serving my personal Hell, it will definitely be part of the advertising portfolio.

Speaking of commercials, it has to be a really tough dilemma to be an aspiring actress, and you get your big break with a national commercial that will get played endlessly on TV, and then you find out that it's for prescription herpes medication. On the one hand, this is all you've ever wanted, your dream. You just know you have what it takes to be star, if only someone will give you a chance. But on the other hand, you will probably have to spend the rest of your life explaining to every single guy you date that, no, you DON'T actually have herpes, IT WAS JUST A COMMERCIAL.

Know how everyone has things they don't like to talk about? I'm not talking about painful or uncomfortable things, but things that are so thoroughly, excruciatingly uninteresting that talking about them makes you want to, well, jam sharp objects in your eyes (not unlike certain subject matter above - sorry, it's late - I'm not feeling especially creative at the moment). Know what is the best ever? When you get asked about said excruciatingly uninteresting things about EIGHTY TIMES in the space of two hours.

Purchased today, among other things: a "personal watermelon." I'll let you decide if that's code for something or not.

Just don't call him fat

Holy crap! A 22-pound lobster! Imagine being served that guy on a plate. Thankfully (for the lobster), he won't be going to the big, uh, ocean in the sky anytime soon.

UPDATE: Aw, geez. Bubba the lobster has died on his own. Seems like it was the stress that did it.

Pudding Cream Sand Crispy Gaufrette

That is the name of a sweet, tasty snack I just ate. Thankfully, there was no actual sand in it. Also, no pudding. And yes, it came from Japan. How did you know?

Did you miss me?

Hey there. I am back. It was too short, but it is an immutable law of nature that all vacations are too short, so what are you gonna do?

Anyway, I had fun. I learned that martinis are not the ideal drink to consume when one is in a large crowd and moving around quickly. I also learned that when you have no alcohol tolerance, chugging a martini just to keep it from spilling all over you may not be the best idea. I chose Mitt Romney over Ted Kennedy in an extremely uncomfortable game of political Death Is Not An Option, but only if he kept his mouth shut, and I was allowed to punch him in the face afterwards. In an attempt to become more girly, I bought a super-fantastic $400 Coach bag for the low, low price of $160 at the Coach outlet. In less-girly action, I saw a pretty good game between the Seahawks and Falcons. Happily, I was not blown out of the upper deck. Interestingly, I learned sitting up in the nosebleeds, but on the side of the field, you still have a better view than when sitting close to the field, but in the end zone. I'm sure anyone who's ever been to more than two football games could have told you that, but whatever.

Finally, I visited the fine land of Canada and narrowly avoided causing an international incident when we lied to the border patrol agents about not having "groceries" in our car (just a couple of apples, but still, not technically "nothing"). My friend, who is generally a smart person, said we had to eat the apples before we got to the border, which is all well and good, except she never bothered to say we should throw out the apple cores. If they have rules about bringing produce across the border, I sort of think they would apply to the cores, even if, for all practical purposes, the apples had been "eaten."

The weather sucked, but since it was a visting-friends kind of vacation and not a lounge-around-on-the-beach kind of vacation, I can't really complain too much about that.

I miraculously suffered no major travel-related inconveniences, which was a new experience. I even had the good fortune to not only have a moderately cute guy sitting next to me on the plane over, but to also have him start talking to me. That NEVER happens. Unfortunately, he turned out to be kind of dull, and I am not the kind of person who can carry a conversation on my own, especially not for five hours, so, you know, awkward. Sigh.

I sort of feel like I have an obligation to be serious and talk about the tsunami disaster in something more than the flippant tone of the previous post. I kind of feel like a shallow asshole for going on about martinis and football and spending $160 on a fucking purse, and while I may actually be a shallow asshole, it doesn't mean I want you to know that. On the other hand, I often get accused in real life of being too serious about everything, so I don't know.

What can you really say? I mean, yeah, it's sad. Really sad. But can you do much else besides give money and/or talk about how sad it is? One thing I'm glad about is that by being on vacation for most of the last week, I've been able to avoid most of what I'm sure was the all-tsunami, all-the-time news coverage. I was watching the Today Show yesterday morning while getting ready for work, and the bumpers to commercial were home-video footage, with no voiceover for context, of the water crashing in over everything. This all occurred right after some unrelated segment, often something stupid and fluffy like some actor promoting his latest movie. I think there's certainly a place for showing such disaster footage from a news and/or history standpoint, but they way they did it in this instance seemed really sensationalistic and crass. I can't even imagine what the coverage must have been like on the cable news stations. It probably would have driven me nuts very quickly.

Anyway. Nice way to end this post on a depressing note, but oh well. I hope you all had nice holidays.

50 things you should eat before you die

So I saw this link on another blog and thought, before looking at it, that it would a be a list of weird or strange foods, and wouldn't it be interesting to see how many of them I had eaten. Except apparently it was compiled by a public vote and not by, say, a food critic (what a crazy idea that would be). Also, it was done in England. So it's not surprising that I, as an American, would have never eaten some of the things on the list.

But what's really strange is that, while there are some weird foods on the list, most of the things are really mundane, like pizza. Who hasn't eaten pizza? What's the point of putting it on this list? Even worse is how utterly inconsistent the list is. Some items are discrete food items, like pancakes or alligator. But Chinese food? That is an entire cuisine. And "barbacues"? "American diner breakfast"?? What the hell does that even mean? Either make a list of foods, or make a list of cuisines, but DON'T PUT BOTH IN THE SAME LIST BECAUSE IT'S ANNOYING AS ALL HELL. Ahem. Some of the items don't even make much sense. Like fresh fish. Does that imply that for the rest of the items, it doesn't matter if they are fresh? Mmmm, I love me some spoiled lobster. Also, sandwiches???

Anyway, here are the things I have either not eaten, or am not sure if I have eaten (and I just realized you can click on each item to get more info., but I am too lazy to do that):

11. Moreton Bay Bugs - I have no idea what these are. Must be a British thing. I love that the first ten items are totally normal things, and then... bugs. Unless they aren't actually bugs, and it's just a name, but like I said, I don't feel like bothering to find out.

20. Alligator - Doubt I'll ever try it.

21. Oysters - Ick. Slimy foods make me gag.

22. Kangaroo - Doubtful.

32. Guinea Pig - Oh hell no.

33. Shark - No.

36. Barramundi - That's a fish, right? In principle, I wouldn't be opposed to trying it, except for the fact that it's giving me bad Survivor flashbacks.

37. Reindeer - No, you can't eat Rudolph! (Or is it Rudolf? I'm not so good with the Christmas lingo.)

40. Australian Meat Pie - Never tried it, but would be willing to, as long as I was sure it wasn't made of, like, sweetbreads or something. Because, yuck.

42. Durian Fruit - I was about to say I wouldn't mind trying this, because hey, I like fruit, but then I did actually cheat and click on the link, and it says it has a really nasty smell, and sorry, I cannot get past that, so I don't think I'll be trying any durian fruit, thank you.

43. Octopus - Wait, didn't we already have squid on the list? Aren't they the same thing? And isn't that what we call calamari? I'm so confused. Anyway, I've had calamari, whatever it's made out of, and I didn't particularly care for it, so I don't think I will likely be consuming any squid or optopus in the future.

44. Ribs - Strangely, I've never had ribs. Not sure why. Probably because they're too messy. I have had Chinese spare ribs, but I'm not sure if that counts.

47. Jerk Chicken/Pork - One of the few things on the list that I would definitely like to try, but never have.

48. Haggis - Gross. No.

49. Caviar - I've had sushi with fish roe, but I don't think that counts - you can't taste it, anyway. I'm kind of curious to try good caviar, if only so I can say to myself, wow, thank god I'll never have to eat two pounds of that.

50. Cornish Pastry - Never had one, but it sounds really good. (Yes, fine, I cheated again. Sue me.)

I just ate an entire package of stroopwafels

And you know what? I don't feel bad about it at all.

The great pen controversy

It was much to my great chagrin that I discovered recently that my company has suddenly stopped ordering all the various pens we used to stock, and replaced them all with cheap stick ballpoint pens, in order to save money. I don't know about you, but I am very particular about the pens I use. I detest anything larger than a fine point, don't like very heavy or very light-weight pens, don't like those rubberized grip thingies, etc.

However, more importantly, the work I do requires a lot of signatures on various documents, and we have to keep photocopies of every one of these documents, and the copies have to clearly show the signatures. So here's the problem - ballpoint ink just doesn't photocopy well at all. Also? I've lost nearly all my good pens (at least, all the ones with blue ink, which is the color you are supposed to use for original signatures, so they can be easily distinguished from the copies).

This was very upsetting to me. So I bitched to the office manager, and amazingly, he actually agreed to buy me my own special box of rollerball pens to use for signing. But of course, it was all super-secret-hush-hush-don't-tell-anyone-else-or-they're-all-going-to-want-the-special-pens. And I better hope no one steals them from me (as I suspect has already happened, since I used to have, like 15 of the good pens, and I now have only two, and I know I lose them sometimes, but I don't think I've lost that many), because I doubt he's going to buy me any more after this one time.

He also told me how much money they saved by buying the cheap pens, and told me how much they'd spent in total in the last year. It works out to approximately $200 per person. Do you know how many pens that amounts to, especially when the pens are bought in bulk, not retail? A whole fucking lot of pens, is what. Either the office manager is lying, or there are a lot of people here pilfering pens, because no one could possibly go through that many pens, no matter how much work they may claim they are doing.

In other news, I made a new food invention. I decided to just get a small soup for lunch today, since I'll be having a big dinner tonight at my parents house. It's kind of a pre-Thanksgiving family dinner, since regular Thanksgiving tomorrow will be a huge extended family affair with all sorts of aunts and uncles and cousins and whatnot. So anyway, I'm eating my small soup, and I finish the crackers that came with it, when I remember that I still have that bag of Cape Cod potato chips in my desk from yesterday's lunch meeting that for some reason I hadn't eaten yet. I know, hard to believe, that a bag of chips could just sit in my desk without being eaten, but it's true.

I didn't really feel like eating the chips on their own, but instead decided they might be tasty in the soup. It was minnestrone soup, by the way, and actually wasn't too salty, unlike most restaurant soups (because if it had been really salty already, it would have been a little too much to add the salty chips too). And let me tell you, chips in soup? Really good. I know people who put chips in sandwiches (which is just weird), and I have no doubt that someone, somewhere has put chips in soup, but it's no one I've ever heard of, so I'm claiming it as my invention.

Feel free to use my brilliant new idea to your heart's content. Just remember to send me any appropriate royalties.