March 14, 2005

BANNED

Recently, we learned about people I don't like. Now we move on to things. Disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive. Please do not assume that just because your favorite hate-object does not appear on this list, that I don't hate it as well. The following things, if I had to power to do so, would be BANNED:

Stargazer lilies.

Dasani "water," otherwise known as "swill."

Country music.

Red onions.

Velour.

Calling all soda "Coke." I'm sorry, but this is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard. It's also trademark infringement, which I am legally bound to be offended by (and nevermind that I am not using tradmark symbols here. I don't know how to make them in HTML. Yeah, that's what it is. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am too lazy to find out, or that I don't actually really care. Nothing at all). Note: since I know I have several midwestern readers, I will grudgingly give "pop" a pass, but DON'T abuse the privilege, or I will reconsider faster than you can say "east coast soda snob."

Ham.

The word "panties." (Ew, just typing it makes me cringe.)

Tofu.

Mermaid-style dresses.

The "boop-boop" sound Tivo makes.

The smell emanating from the Nut-Roasters carts near my office.

DVDs that won't let you fast-forward through the previews.

All the lunch places near my office. There are about eight-hundred, and nearly all of them suck, and the ones that don't always have two-hour lines.

Computers manufactured by companies not named Apple.

Pens with point sizes larger than fine.

8-oz. coffee mugs (only seen in my office). Seriously, WTF? Who only drinks 8 ounces of coffee at a time?

The phone calls I get from my credit card company, every single month, asking me if I want to sign up for their payment protection plan, or whatever it's called, which is some sort of extortion-style insurance plan that will let you not pay your bill if you ever can't. Listen up, here, Chase. I love my credit card. And I love the fact that you pay me actual cash money to use it. Know how it is that you pay me to use it? Because I PAY MY BALANCE every single month. I haven't carried a balance in five years, and that was only because I moved to a new apartment and started a new job, so I wasn't getting paid for a few extra weeks, and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for said new job, all at the same time. And then I only did it for a few months. Get it? I don't need no payment protection plan. I will never need it. And I tell you this EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU CALL. And yet, you still keep calling, month after month, because you're allowed to do it, because I'm already a customer.

Ugg boots.

Scented laundry detergent.

Snow. For the love of god, please make it stop.

Labels: , , ,

17 comments:

On 3/14/2005 1:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said:

A Nut-Roaster near your office? That's one boss I wouldn't want to work for...

As for the rest, sing it, sistah!

--GM

(by the way, did I get it correct--you're saying that pens size doesn't matter? Or at least you don't want them to be larger, right?)

 
On 3/14/2005 2:30 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

Heh heh. Of course, it's all in the way you use your pens.

By the way, and I knew this would happen, I remembered something else I wanted to add, but had forgotten by the time I actually wrote the post. So it has been updated to add the fashion monstrosity that is Ugg boots. (Or, it will be after I post this comment.)

 
On 3/14/2005 2:46 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

And updated again. This is the problem with composing the post in your head, and writing it later. You forget stuff. Phooey.

 
On 3/14/2005 3:12 PM, Blogger Dweeze said:

I don't know who you are anymore...

 
On 3/14/2005 3:29 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

But, but, but... Dweeze, I'm still the same me that you've always loved! Does this mean you won't take me to the prom anymore? What was it? Don't tell me you like to wear velour mermaid-style dresses with Ugg boots? That's it, isn't it? Because I'd still love you if you did, and isn't that what matters? *sob*

 
On 3/15/2005 10:28 AM, Blogger Dweeze said:

I primarily listen to two types of music - Country AND Western. Ham? Food of the Gods. Red Onions? All onions are good, but red onions may be the best.

So there.

 
On 3/15/2005 1:48 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

I don't know who you are anymore...

Ha ha.

Well, I think we already knew our musical tastes didn't overlap. I guess when we take that raod (!)trip, we'll have to listen to books on tape or something. And by the way, I thought country and western were the same thing. Shows you how much I know.

Ham is just gross. And I like onions okay, as long as they are well-cooked. I am highly opposed to the practice of putting raw onions on salads, and I am one of those annoying people who picks them out and leaves them in a little pile on the side of the plate. And oh man, red onions, raw or cooked, are evil. Every so often I accidentally eat a piece of one, and it is a seriously traumatic experience.

Look on the bright side - more for you! :)

 
On 3/15/2005 6:09 PM, Blogger TechNoir said:

What in the hell is a mermaid style dress?

(Ugg boots - Worst Idea Ever)

 
On 3/15/2005 6:34 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

Mermaid-style dresses are what about 90% of people wore to the Oscars this year. They're straight down to around the knees, then they flare out. Basically make you look like a mermaid.

The sudden popularity of this style, combined with the recent appearance of other elements of retro '80s fashion (legwarmers, etc.) is making me frightened for humanity.

 
On 3/15/2005 7:00 PM, Blogger sideshow bob said:

Like all people who realize that the majority are a pack of fickle mushheads, you are beautiful and insane. Not sure about the 'panties' thing...all bottled water tastes pretty much the same....and country is music for people who, god love 'em, just can't understand or appriciate what makes music truly good. Country music listener is to music what color blind viewer is to green, to turn an awkward comparison. bob out!

 
On 3/15/2005 7:43 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

Um, thanks, I think. But make no mistake, we may not want to listen to country here, but we still like our country music listeners. Certain weasely ones, anyway.

 
On 3/16/2005 9:58 AM, Blogger Dweeze said:

You certainly attract the most interesting people here, Jo. I'd make a crack, but is there really anything more to say about someone who can't even notice the differences between various types of bottled water?

Oh, and the country AND western thing? It's an old joke.

We could always alternate CDs on the raod trip. (By the way, I didn't know we were going to see Brian Heidek...)

 
On 3/16/2005 11:43 AM, Blogger Jolene said:

I know, right?

And I'm considering a career change. Thought maybe Brian could give me some tips.

(You know, how to win reality shows. What did you think I meant?)

 
On 3/16/2005 12:46 PM, Blogger Dweeze said:

Selling used cars. Cause there's nothing anyone could teach you about being a soft-core porn star.

(That one was for your mother, just in case she finds the blog.)

 
On 3/16/2005 1:24 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

I've said it before, but aw, you're so sweet to me.

(Damn, I forgot about the used car thing. That would have been a much better joke.)

 
On 3/17/2005 11:26 PM, Blogger Wheeze said:

Okay, um...

What is with your sporadic posting? I check every day for a week, and nothing. So I wait a few, and you've gone all haloscan and superposter on me.

Country music sucks.

xoxo

 
On 3/17/2005 11:53 PM, Blogger Jolene said:

Just trying to keep you all on your toes. And everybody knows you can't force genius. When the inspiration strikes, you just have to go with it. Also it's sometimes dependent on how many stupid people I encounter in a given day (or, alternately, how many people I encounter - they're usually the same thing).

 

Post a Comment

<< Home