Recently, we learned about people I don't like. Now we move on to things. Disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive. Please do not assume that just because your favorite hate-object does not appear on this list, that I don't hate it as well. The following things, if I had to power to do so, would be BANNED:
Dasani "water," otherwise known as "swill."
Calling all soda "Coke." I'm sorry, but this is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard. It's also trademark infringement, which I am legally bound to be offended by (and nevermind that I am not using tradmark symbols here. I don't know how to make them in HTML. Yeah, that's what it is. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am too lazy to find out, or that I don't actually really care. Nothing at all). Note: since I know I have several midwestern readers, I will grudgingly give "pop" a pass, but DON'T abuse the privilege, or I will reconsider faster than you can say "east coast soda snob."
The word "panties." (Ew, just typing it makes me cringe.)
The "boop-boop" sound Tivo makes.
The smell emanating from the Nut-Roasters carts near my office.
DVDs that won't let you fast-forward through the previews.
All the lunch places near my office. There are about eight-hundred, and nearly all of them suck, and the ones that don't always have two-hour lines.
Computers manufactured by companies not named Apple.
Pens with point sizes larger than fine.
8-oz. coffee mugs (only seen in my office). Seriously, WTF? Who only drinks 8 ounces of coffee at a time?
The phone calls I get from my credit card company, every single month, asking me if I want to sign up for their payment protection plan, or whatever it's called, which is some sort of extortion-style insurance plan that will let you not pay your bill if you ever can't. Listen up, here, Chase. I love my credit card. And I love the fact that you pay me actual cash money to use it. Know how it is that you pay me to use it? Because I PAY MY BALANCE every single month. I haven't carried a balance in five years, and that was only because I moved to a new apartment and started a new job, so I wasn't getting paid for a few extra weeks, and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for said new job, all at the same time. And then I only did it for a few months. Get it? I don't need no payment protection plan. I will never need it. And I tell you this EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU CALL. And yet, you still keep calling, month after month, because you're allowed to do it, because I'm already a customer.
Scented laundry detergent.
Snow. For the love of god, please make it stop.