Who would Jesus stalk?

Seriously, what?

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has placed a Stoneham priest on leave after the 46-year-old was arrested in New York City last week on charges of stalking talk-show host Conan O'Brien.

This sounds more like it should be a skit from his show, rather than something actually real.

Conversations with my parents

...or,

Who are you and what have you done with my mother, part the second

Last week:

My mom: (fangirl voice) Guess who I saw at the gym the other day!

Me: Uh, [D-list celeb who I went to high school with]?

My mom: Yes! How'd you know?

Me: Well, who else would it be? Do you know of any other celebrites likely to be hanging out around town?

My mom: Well, I think it was him, anyway. I only saw him from far away. Do you think I should have gone over and said 'hi'?

Me: I don't know. That probably would have been a little weird, seeing as how you don't actually know him.

My mom: Yeah.

*****

Yesterday:

My mom: So remember how I told you how I thought I saw [D-list celeb who you went to high school with] last week? It was definitely him!

Me: What, did you see him again or something?

My mom: No. I googled him. He was wearing this t-shirt with a slogan for [obscure organization] when I saw him, and the bios I read said he was involved with that organization.

Me: Haha! Mom, you're totally an internet stalker!

My mom: Hahahaha!

Me: Anyway, I'm sure it must have been him. He's pretty unmistakable.

My mom: Did you know there are all these websites devoted to him? Where people post pictures of him and talk about what he's doing and how cute he is?

Me: I'm not surprised. People do that on the internet.

My mom: Don't worry, I won't be posting on them or anything.

Me: Lord, I should hope not.

My mom: Maybe I'll take up knitting again and go join his mom's knitting group.

Me: Oh. My. God.

My mom: Kidding! Ha ha!

Me: Erm, can I talk to Dad?

*****

My dad: Yo yo yo, wassup? (Okay, he didn't actually say that, but I like imagining that he did.)

Me: Hey, guess what I'm doing when I go to Seattle over New Year's?

My dad: Going to a Sonics game?

Me: No. I hate basketball, remember?

My dad: Right. Um, going to a Seahawks game?

Me: Ding, ding, ding! I think we are in the last row of the upper deck. Hopefully we won't get blown over the edge.

My dad: (starting to get angry) Do you realize the Seahawks are are going make the playoffs????

My: Yeah, I knew that. I just hope they don't clinch the division next week, which I think may be possible, because I want the last game to matter, so it's more interesting.

My dad: But a .500 team making the playoffs??? THAT IS AN OUTRAGE!

Me: Well, that's the way it is. What are you gonna do?

My dad: But aren't you OUTRAGED???

Me: I don't know. I suppose. Actually, I think it's kind of amusing. Anyway, our team will make it, so who cares, right?

My dad: Yeah, I guess. Whatever.

Me: Whatever.

Wherefore art thou, hot dog?

I think I am being stalked by people eating hot dogs. I know, it sounds crazy, but I only tell it like I see it, folks. Everywhere I go, there suddenly are people eating hot dogs. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I very recently attended several soul-crushing baseball games. No, I'm talking about places where you wouldn't expect hot dogs. Like waiting in line at the airport ticket counter, or on the subway. I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, and suddenly I smell mustard, and I look up, and there's someone standing there eating a hot dog like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Looking at what I just typed, it doesn't sound all that strange, but you'll have to take my word for it - it just was.

I suspect that John Ashcroft has finally caught on to my treasonous liberal ways and is now tracking my every move via hot dog-mounted spycam. Next time I see somone incongruously eating a hot dog, I'm going to do something to let him know I'm onto him. Maybe I'll make funny faces at the hot dog. Or flash it. That'll show him.

Indeed.