May 03, 2003

Be Careful What You Wish For is what they say, right?

You know how when you break up with someone, and you're really bitter about it, and you always imagine what will happen when you next run into them? It doesn't really matter why you broke up. Maybe he dumped you with no warning. Maybe he cheated on you, and you you dumped him. Maybe he was just an all-around asshole.

Whatever the reason, you always spend inordinate hours fantasizing about what you will say they next time you see him.

Sometimes, you release a stream of expletives at him the moment you lay eyes on him. Sometimes you meet his friendly greeting with a cold, aloof, empty, "Hi. Yeah, I'm fine," and then walk away without giving him the satisfaction of really knowing how you're doing. Sometimes you purposely ignore him after you've made sure he's seen you. Sometimes you hide so he doesn't see you at all. Sometimes, you're all about class, and you act friendly and warm, to show him you're above being bitter and petty.

Sometimes, you want to run into him, so he sees how great you look, how well you're doing, without him. Sometimes the pain still lingers, and you don't want to ever see him again, because it will only make the pain worse.

Regardless of whether you want to see him or not, you always know, in the back of your mind, that it could happen. You try to plan for it. You try to run over all the possible scenarios in your mind, so you're prepared for when it does happen.

And then it never goes the way you think. Suddenly you turn around, and he's there. You're so surprised, you can't remember a single word in any of the scripts you've written in your mind. You go blank. You fumble for words. You are a mess.

And then afterwards, after you've kicked yourself a thousand times over for muffing the opportunity to dictate how the run-into should have gone, it starts all over again. Except instead of imagining what might happen, now you can't stop thinking about what happened to all your grand plans.

Why?

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