I almost forgot this thing was still here

Okay, not entirely true. I'm just in another rut. Can't think of anything to write about. I thought that once that thing that had consumed the last four years of my life was over, I would have more motivation to write stuff here, but it's been exactly the opposite. I'm not sure what's going on.

My life really isn't very exciting, so it's not like I can find much inspiration there. I did have a massive allergy attack all weekend, so there's that, I guess. Granted, this is the first time in my life I've ever had one, so "massive" is perhaps relative. It was a little scary, though. Not scary in the sense that it was life-threatening or anything, but in that I'm worried this is the beginning of a lifetime of allergies. Both my parents have them, and my mom's didn't start till she was an adult, so I hope the same thing doesn't happen to me. Ugh.

I did do something moderately interesting on Friday. I spent a few hours volunteering at the campaign headquarters of one of candidates running for governor. This is a rather big deal for me - despite having very strong opinions, I am pretty passive when it comes to politics. I vote, and that's about it. I always feel like I should do more, but I've just never had the energy. I think the last time I did anything actively political was when I was fifteen and went to this huge pro-choice rally in Washington, DC (which is a whole other story in itself - I still can't believe my parents actually let me take a bus down with a bunch of other high school kids and no chaperones).

Anyway, this governor's race is a big deal here, because the guy currently running the state (and I use the term "running" loosely here, because he spends most of his time preparing to run for president) is a major fuckwad. There are now three declared candidates for the Democratic candidates. I'd be okay with any of them - they're all certainly orders of magnitude better than what we have now - but with two of them, I can't manage much of a reaction beyond, "Eh." But I really, really like the third guy - he's a true progressive. And I really, really want him to win. His big problem is that he's a total unknown, so he doesn't have nearly the amount of money or name recognition as the other two. There's still plenty of time to change that, though.

Some advice on how not to win converts

It's one thing to stand on a street corner and try to hand people religious literature. Or to preach about Jesus using a mic and amp that can be heard from four blocks away. These things, both of which I see on a regular basis near my office, are annoying and intrusive at best, offensive at worst, and, in my completely baseless opinion, probably not very effective.

But if you really want to perform an exercise in futility? Shout Bible verses at people in the middle of a city that is most decidedly NOT Pittsburgh, while wearing a fucking STEELERS JERSEY.

Speaking of football, tickets around these parts are not the easiest things to get (at least, if you don't have, or aren't willing to spend, obscene amounts of money). The few tickets that do get sold to the public sell out within minutes of going on sale. So I am quite pleased to report that, through the efforts of a small army of family members this morning, we were able to get tickets to two games. Granted, they're standing room only, but still, a ticket's a ticket. Envy me.*

*Okay, fine, I do realize that, with the exception of only one person who may be reading this, you not only are not a fan my team, you probably dislike my team quite emphatically. And I don't think anyone reading this (that I know of) is a fan of either of the teams they're playing. So you probably don't envy me. But still, FOOTBALL tickets. Woohooooo!

Please help a language-challenged person

So I was rereading my previous post, and I got this funny feeling that I used the term "critical mass" wrong. So I looked it up. And I was right, in that I was wrong. And this is extremely embarrassing to me. I am so paranoid about sounding like an idiot, that if I have any doubt that I don't know the exact meaning of a word, I'll look it up before using it. Yes, even on a blog that about five people read, or on a message board where it really doesn't matter.

But more than the simple embarrassment of using the phrase "critical mass" incorrectly, it is now driving me nuts trying to figure out what phrase I was looking for. I know there's a word or phrase out there that means what I want to say, but I can't think of what it is. Critical threshold? That doesn't sound right, either.

What is it???

Please help.

Sites of note and other random stuff

Bitch Ph.D. put up a new link to a site that's a resource for emergency contraception. If you ever find yourself, or someone you care about, in the position to need it, the site has a directory of medical providers where you can get it. Too bad you can't get it over the counter, thanks to this guy. Anyway, I'm going to add it my sidebar as well.

Getting less serious, I accidentally typed in www.fungo.com instead of www.fungo.blogspot.com, and it leads to a Japanese restaurant that appears to specialize in sandwiches. I think I need to go to this restaurant if I ever go to Japan.

ETA: A few other things not really deserving their own posts:

This is just gross. How would you like to be that fisherman who found those thousands of used condoms floating in the lake? And also, who the hell is flushing their condoms down the toilet in the first place?

NBC has apparently decided that Law & Order has reached critical mass at three shows, as they are cancelling the newest permutation, "Trial By Jury." Also cancelled: a whole bunch of other shows I also don't watch.

New for next year:

"My Name is Earl," featuring Jason Lee ("Chasing Amy") as a downtrodden lottery winner. This could be good, as Jason Lee kind of rules.

Martha Stewart's Apprentice knockoff. Hmmm. No, I don't think I'll be watching that.

Gospel singer Amy Grant stars in "Three Wishes," a reality show where she travels across the country trying to transform lives by paying medical bills, making dreams come true and the like. Wow, I think they may have found a show I want to watch even less than American Idol.

"E-Ring," a Jerry Bruckheimer production with Dennis Hopper and Benjamin Bratt, about life in the Pentagon. Could be good, could be bad. Dennis Hopper is cool in a creepy way, and Benjamin Bratt is hot. But the Pentagon is boring. So we'll have to see.

"Fathom," about a creepy new form of sea life. No, no, no.

And...

"Inconceivable," a medical show set in a fertility clinic. I'm sorry, but are they kidding with this one? The article says it's a drama, but the title is rather ridiculous, because no one will be able to say it without talking like Vizzini from The Princess Bride, and it'd be kind of hard to take the show seriously. Also, that title is just a little too precious, I think. Beyond that, I'm not sure how this show would work - either it will be a cloying, inspirational show (in which case I'll want to watch it about as much as the Amy Grant show), or it will go in the other direction and enrage the James Dobson types (who will get the vapors over the fact that all those poor little embryos might get thrown away), and god, we will never hear the end of it.

A song for a really, really relieved Friday

So in the comments to my last post, I mentioned this heinous assignment I was working on. Well, it is done. It. Is. Done.

And now, I am going to steal a page from Dweeze's book (Illustrated Field Guide to Weasels, 4th ed.) and give you a song:

"Weightlifting" - The Trashcan Sinatras

I discover the wheel and watch the buildings go by
you talk a little soft, turn off the radio
I just want to hear all the past times
the rushed hours, the endless lives
don't become a burden
say the word and be free

you will find a great weight lifting
easing your mind, a great weight lifting
just leave it behind, a great weight lifting
and you will find a great weight lifting

it's been a lonely winter hibernating away
you need a little sunlight on that face
how long can you stay in the darkness?
dust round the empty nest?
you could make you way out
if you lay down the load

you will find a great weight lifting
easing your mind, a great weight lifting
leave it behind, a great weight lifting
you will find a great weight lifting
just leave it behind, a great weight lifting
and you will find a great weight lifting

God hates AT&T, MCI, and Verizon

This is really funny. Over at Wonkette, there are a couple of posts about this Christian telephone company (I'm not going to link to the actual posts, but I think you're all smart enough to find them). The guy who taped the calls from this company's telemarketers is someone I knew in high school.

(And ew, speaking of things I read on Wonkette today, I will never look at the indicator light on my Blackberry the same way again.)

So do I have telepathic powers, or is someone reading my mind?

A few days ago, out of nowhere, I had a craving for stuffed cabbage. I don't know why - it's not like it's my favorite food or anything. But today, I went out to get lunch, and the place I went to had stuffed cabbage. I should note that I've never seen it on the menu there before, so it's not like I had any reason to be thinking about it. (It was excellent, by the way.)

And then yesterday, I was in Wendy's, and I was thinking about how I've never had a Frosty, and maybe I might like to try one, because they look awfully tasty, but I've never wanted one strongly enough that I've actually carried through and bought one. And then? I read today that Wendy's is giving out free Frostys this weekend. Mmmm, Frostys.

This afternoon, I'm going to concentrate on thinking about how I would really like someone to hand me a giant bag of money.

I will write something more substantial soon, I promise

But until then, I feel the need to inform you that the track currently playing on my iPod is a piece of music from my NFL Films music collection, and it is called "Headcracker Suite." How awesome is that? I think the only way it could be more awesome is if they choreographed a ballet set to it. Which sort of reminds me of one of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts:

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Exactly.

On a lighter note

And you thought Bjork's swan dress was weird. I think this is going to give me nightmares. I'm not even wearing it, and still I feel like that giant hand is going to grab me at any moment.

One sick fuck

There's been a lot of Lynndie England in the news lately, but I hadn't heard much about Charles Graner, other than the basic details - that he was the father of her baby, that he was in prison, and that he was the one who just derailed her guilty plea by saying she was following orders. But wow, this is one scary guy. Sending your own kids pictures of yourself torturing people, and saying how cool it is? That is seriously messed up. His ex-wife had obtained three court protective orders against him. It's just really sad and scary that someone with that kind of personality was allowed into the military.

Why Katie Couric makes millions of dollars and you don't

So I've got the TV on the Today Show this morning as I'm getting ready to go to work, and just before I was about to leave, they showed Katie interviewing Orlando Bloom, who was promoting some movie that I will never see. And she asks him (paraphrasing), "So, this must have been a challenge for you, since so much of your communication was...noncommunicative."

Pssst, Katie dear, I think the word you are looking for is "nonVERBAL."

And by the way, can someone explain Orlando Bloom to me? I just don't get what the attraction is. He looks like a woman.

Fluffy non-serious links

Britney Spears, looking more and more like a crazy homeless person as the days go by. But here's what I want to know - what is she doing in a video store? If I had the paparazzi trailing me everywhere, I might look into NetFlix. I'm just saying.

If you're taking notes, this is the only reference you'll ever see me make to Star Wars in this blog, or anywhere, really: Star Wars Nerds Rendered in Lego.

Jolene writes letters

Dear My Boss:

PLEASE STOP BUGGING ME. I am working on that project and I will LET YOU KNOW when it's done. Leave me the hell alone.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Lady In The Lobby With The Worst Fashion Sense I Have Ever Seen In A Long Time:

Please dress better. You are hurting my eyes.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Lunch Place In My Building:

Please stop sucking so much. You never have anything I want to eat. And you run out of everthing by 1:00 in the afternoon, so you suck even more. Also, when I ask for "a couple" of pickles, it means two, not one.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Govermental Agency I Have To Deal With:

Please stop having so many damn deadlines.

Love,

Jolene

*****

Dear Subway:

PLEASE STOP FUCKING BREAKING DOWN ALL THE TIME WHEN I'M TRYING TO GET TO WORK. I really don't appreciate having to get off the fucking train, and then being told that fucking shuttle buses are coming, except they never fucking show up, and then I have to walk fifteen fucking minutes outside to get to the next fucking stop where the fucking trains aren't broken down anymore, making me late and also all sweaty. And also, I'm sure all the people waiting at the stop where you made us get off the train really appreciated the fact that no one told them the train was broken down, despite the fact that there were about ten transit authority guys milling around doing nothing, AND despite the fact that everyone was already GETTING OFF THE TRAIN. Good work, geniuses. And they wonder why more people don't take the subway.

And now I've been in a fucking bad mood all day and it's all your fucking fault.

Love,

Jolene