Sweet, sweet relief

There is nothing worse (okay, there is, I know, it's not like 60,000 people dying or anything, but it's HYPERBOLE, people) than realizing, the night before you're supposed to go on vacation, that you can't find your plane tickets.

And there is nothing better (again, there is, I KNOW) than calling the airline, and having them confirm that it is in fact an electronic ticket, and all you need is your ID, which you haven't managed to lose (yet), and having the customer service rep think you're just a little bit crazy (just a little) when, instead of hurling the verbal abuse that they're probably used to hearing on a regular basis, you practically start crying with joy and telling them they are the best ever.

I am such a fucking mess.

Offensive, but not in the way you'd think

Ignoring the whole debate over whether or not you think confederate flag fetishes are justified as celebrations of southern heritage (although I think you can probably tell from what I just said what I myself think), as well as the question of whether this girl should have been allowed to wear the dress (I actually think she should have been), let's get to the real issue here, which is, could there possibly be anything tackier than a confederate flag prom dress?

Conversations with my parents

...or,

Who are you and what have you done with my mother, part the second

Last week:

My mom: (fangirl voice) Guess who I saw at the gym the other day!

Me: Uh, [D-list celeb who I went to high school with]?

My mom: Yes! How'd you know?

Me: Well, who else would it be? Do you know of any other celebrites likely to be hanging out around town?

My mom: Well, I think it was him, anyway. I only saw him from far away. Do you think I should have gone over and said 'hi'?

Me: I don't know. That probably would have been a little weird, seeing as how you don't actually know him.

My mom: Yeah.

*****

Yesterday:

My mom: So remember how I told you how I thought I saw [D-list celeb who you went to high school with] last week? It was definitely him!

Me: What, did you see him again or something?

My mom: No. I googled him. He was wearing this t-shirt with a slogan for [obscure organization] when I saw him, and the bios I read said he was involved with that organization.

Me: Haha! Mom, you're totally an internet stalker!

My mom: Hahahaha!

Me: Anyway, I'm sure it must have been him. He's pretty unmistakable.

My mom: Did you know there are all these websites devoted to him? Where people post pictures of him and talk about what he's doing and how cute he is?

Me: I'm not surprised. People do that on the internet.

My mom: Don't worry, I won't be posting on them or anything.

Me: Lord, I should hope not.

My mom: Maybe I'll take up knitting again and go join his mom's knitting group.

Me: Oh. My. God.

My mom: Kidding! Ha ha!

Me: Erm, can I talk to Dad?

*****

My dad: Yo yo yo, wassup? (Okay, he didn't actually say that, but I like imagining that he did.)

Me: Hey, guess what I'm doing when I go to Seattle over New Year's?

My dad: Going to a Sonics game?

Me: No. I hate basketball, remember?

My dad: Right. Um, going to a Seahawks game?

Me: Ding, ding, ding! I think we are in the last row of the upper deck. Hopefully we won't get blown over the edge.

My dad: (starting to get angry) Do you realize the Seahawks are are going make the playoffs????

My: Yeah, I knew that. I just hope they don't clinch the division next week, which I think may be possible, because I want the last game to matter, so it's more interesting.

My dad: But a .500 team making the playoffs??? THAT IS AN OUTRAGE!

Me: Well, that's the way it is. What are you gonna do?

My dad: But aren't you OUTRAGED???

Me: I don't know. I suppose. Actually, I think it's kind of amusing. Anyway, our team will make it, so who cares, right?

My dad: Yeah, I guess. Whatever.

Me: Whatever.

50 things you should eat before you die

So I saw this link on another blog and thought, before looking at it, that it would a be a list of weird or strange foods, and wouldn't it be interesting to see how many of them I had eaten. Except apparently it was compiled by a public vote and not by, say, a food critic (what a crazy idea that would be). Also, it was done in England. So it's not surprising that I, as an American, would have never eaten some of the things on the list.

But what's really strange is that, while there are some weird foods on the list, most of the things are really mundane, like pizza. Who hasn't eaten pizza? What's the point of putting it on this list? Even worse is how utterly inconsistent the list is. Some items are discrete food items, like pancakes or alligator. But Chinese food? That is an entire cuisine. And "barbacues"? "American diner breakfast"?? What the hell does that even mean? Either make a list of foods, or make a list of cuisines, but DON'T PUT BOTH IN THE SAME LIST BECAUSE IT'S ANNOYING AS ALL HELL. Ahem. Some of the items don't even make much sense. Like fresh fish. Does that imply that for the rest of the items, it doesn't matter if they are fresh? Mmmm, I love me some spoiled lobster. Also, sandwiches???

Anyway, here are the things I have either not eaten, or am not sure if I have eaten (and I just realized you can click on each item to get more info., but I am too lazy to do that):

11. Moreton Bay Bugs - I have no idea what these are. Must be a British thing. I love that the first ten items are totally normal things, and then... bugs. Unless they aren't actually bugs, and it's just a name, but like I said, I don't feel like bothering to find out.

20. Alligator - Doubt I'll ever try it.

21. Oysters - Ick. Slimy foods make me gag.

22. Kangaroo - Doubtful.

32. Guinea Pig - Oh hell no.

33. Shark - No.

36. Barramundi - That's a fish, right? In principle, I wouldn't be opposed to trying it, except for the fact that it's giving me bad Survivor flashbacks.

37. Reindeer - No, you can't eat Rudolph! (Or is it Rudolf? I'm not so good with the Christmas lingo.)

40. Australian Meat Pie - Never tried it, but would be willing to, as long as I was sure it wasn't made of, like, sweetbreads or something. Because, yuck.

42. Durian Fruit - I was about to say I wouldn't mind trying this, because hey, I like fruit, but then I did actually cheat and click on the link, and it says it has a really nasty smell, and sorry, I cannot get past that, so I don't think I'll be trying any durian fruit, thank you.

43. Octopus - Wait, didn't we already have squid on the list? Aren't they the same thing? And isn't that what we call calamari? I'm so confused. Anyway, I've had calamari, whatever it's made out of, and I didn't particularly care for it, so I don't think I will likely be consuming any squid or optopus in the future.

44. Ribs - Strangely, I've never had ribs. Not sure why. Probably because they're too messy. I have had Chinese spare ribs, but I'm not sure if that counts.

47. Jerk Chicken/Pork - One of the few things on the list that I would definitely like to try, but never have.

48. Haggis - Gross. No.

49. Caviar - I've had sushi with fish roe, but I don't think that counts - you can't taste it, anyway. I'm kind of curious to try good caviar, if only so I can say to myself, wow, thank god I'll never have to eat two pounds of that.

50. Cornish Pastry - Never had one, but it sounds really good. (Yes, fine, I cheated again. Sue me.)

This settles it

I'm moving to Brazil.

In other news, there has been a bottle of champagne sitting on my desk since this morning, and as the hours go by, it's getting easier and easier to rationalize drinking it while still at work. It is Friday, after all, and it's not like I have to drive home or anything.

You know what sucks?

When, for some unknown reason, you have a really awesome hair day, and NO ONE SEES IT.

A little of this, a little of that

So I'm in the middle of a little busy period right now. Original content will have to wait. But since I know my rabid fanbase is clamoring for something, anything, new, I've looked over the internet and - get ready for this (I'm getting giddy just thinking about it) - the actual print media, for interesting tidbits with which to entertain you. And here is what I've found so far.

First, we find the best comment ever, in response to the news that Bridget Moynahan has mysteriously turned into a drag queen:

If that is what having a lot of sex with Tom Brady does to a girl, well, I would still have a lot of sex with Tom Brady.

Sing it, sister.

Elsewhere, It's the Most Whatever Time of the Year at World O'Crap, where we find this wonderful bit o'snark (and we do know how much I love the snark, yes we do) in the comments, which I am reprinting in its entirety, because it's just that good:

Let me tell you about MY Christmas plans.

My wife and I were going to send Christmas cards, but since homosexuals can send Christmas cards, it has totally devalued the institution of sending Christmas cards, so my wife and I are not going to take part.

Then we were going to go shop at the mall, but since homosexuals can shop at the mall, it has totally devalued the institution of shopping at the mall, so my wife and I are not going to take part.

Then we were going to put up a Christmas tree, but since homosexuals can also put up Christmas trees, it has totally devalued the institution of putting up Christmas trees, so my wife and I are not going to take part.

The problem is that those damn homosexuals have completely spoiled Christmas! So my wife and I finally decided to celebrate by joining one of those groups that go around with the placards that say "God hates fags".

We think this is how Jesus wants us to celebrate His birthday.

Halitosis, brother!

I'm not really sure what that last line means, but otherwise, there's really not much more that I can add to it.

Finally, I was flipping through my hometown newspaper recently and came across an article with the following actual, real headline:

Why is death considered a subject that always ruins festive party moods?

You got me. I have no idea.

Wow, that's dedication

A Red Sox fan named Joe Vitelli from Westborough, Mass., has won the "How Low Did You Go to Catch the Big Game Contest" and a five-day trip to the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Vitelli faked a broken leg to avoid his girlfriend's sorority formal last fall so he could watch Game 7 of the ALCS between the Red Sox and Yankees. Vitelli kept up the charade for six weeks -- wearing a fake cast, attending fake doctor's appointments and using a wheelchair -- before he was caught walking. Here's betting that Vitelli attended this year's Red Sox victory party stag.

See, if I had been the girl in this situation, I probably would have skipped the sorority formal myself (or actually, not been in a sorority in the first place, but that's not really the point). But from the guy's point of view, that's a pretty assy thing to do. It's not like he had actual tickets to the game or anything, because then I'm sure we could all see where he was coming from, right?

Better watch your boys, boys

What I really want to know is, why is this article in the Money section?

Teenagers and young men should keep their laptop computers off their laps because the machines could damage fertility, an expert said Thursday.

Laptops, which reach high internal operating temperatures, can heat up the scrotum which could affect the quality and quantity of men's sperm.

I should probably just kill myself now

First, stress makes your immune system age faster.

Now, they tell me that not sleeping enough will make you eat more.

I would say God was taunting me, if I actually believed in that sort of thing. Oh well, fat and old isn't so bad, is it?

If I were I cop, I'd definitely be one who rides a horse

It looks really fun. And how many other jobs do you know of where one of the benefits is "free horse"?